Where's Shifra?
I know some of my readers get a little worried when I don't show up here on the blog for a while. I just wanted to let you know that I'm fine, just spread a little too thin right now.
I'll leave the comment section open but I wouldn't expect to hear much from me until after Pesach. I hope you'll return for begining of "Ask Shifra Season Three" in mid-April.
Chag kasher v'sameach to all of you and thanks for reading.
I'll see you April 16th if not sooner.
-Shifra
posted by Shifra @ 8:56 AM
25 Comments:
We.
Want.
A.
Cartoon!
sigh. i should also be doing the pesach prep thing, but alas, this year i find myself addicted to blogs and just cant get a thing done. i guess ill have to rely on the men, since pesach doesnt seem to stop them...
BTW maybe you can think up a new episode of The Modern and the Orthodox while you're making your kugels...
Chag Kasher Vesameach...
well what the hell should we talk about?
are you an accountant?
Ah...you're working on the PODCAST, right?!
Totally Cool! We can't wait ;-)
There once was a man from...
...Lakewood who decided to build a boat. This was no ordinary boat, but a magical one. You see, this man was no ordinary Lakewood man, he was...
Noach. Noach Goldberg.
And like his namesake he was expecting a flood.
Ask Shifra time. Here's the scenario:
Two young couples dining at a restaurant. They leave and get in the car. The guys are involved in a heated political argument, so the guys get in up front to continue their discussion/argument.
As the driver (we'll call him Bob) backs up, he asks the other guy (Joe) if it's clear. Joe is pondering how to convince Bob that Global Warming is real, and he quickly says: "Yeah, clear"
Bob backs right into a Dumpster. Crash. Broken tail light, scraped fender.
Later, Joe's girlfriend tells him he should help Bob pay for the repair. Joe says "Yeah, right."
Should Joe help pay for the repair? Is he obligated to do so?
If he doesn't pay, should his girlfriend secretly send Bob some cash? Or would that be bad for her future as Mrs. Joe?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt the story. You can continue and get to my question later.
Will do, it's been a long time since I answered a question on the blog.
I'll get to it tomorrow :-)
COME ON PEOPLE, CONTINUE THE DAMN STORY. IM SO BORED AT WORK TODAY I NEED SOMETHING EXCITING.
Oh God, is this my life? Waiting for some stupid improvised story to unfold?
Excuse me everyone, I'm going to dunk my head in a tub of scotch.
Global Warming is a myth perpetrated by liberal alarmists who want to force you to live by their agenda (while they themselves ignore it), so Joe's an idiot and for that alone he should be required to pay. I say let the girlfriend take money out of his wallet when he's not looking and give it to Bob's wife.
Then she should find another boyfriend.
...but he wasn't just expecting any flood. You see g-d was very very angry at the men of lakewood for not supporting their wives. Hashems gates are never closed to tears, and wouldn't you know some nice little girl spent her time crying in his lap just last night because she couldn't pay for schooling in lakewood because her husband does nothing but talk to his friends all day while she works her self to death to put her children in misserable schools.
So in return for all the tears cried over parnanassa, hashem decided to send his tears for his daughling daughters to flood the city of lakewood, becuase he only promised that he wouldn't flood the world, but a single city was ok...
...so all the men were busy "learning torah" (but they really were watching "dancing with the stars" because they wanted to see Paul's soon-to-be ex dance with one leg) when the flood started. The men were annoyed that they would miss this crucial first episode so they decided to call their wives to quickly pack their 6,7, or 15 children in minivan and pick them up before things got really worse.
But Noach Goldberg, you see, he was smart. He didn't much care for "dancing", and knew he wasn't cut out for full time learning, but hey, his parents and in-laws paid the bills so what the heck? but he knew the flood was coming soon, and he knew he was a very talented.....
...so all the men were busy "learning torah" (but they really were watching "dancing with the stars" because they wanted to see Paul's soon-to-be ex dance with one leg) when the flood started. The men were annoyed that they would miss this crucial first episode so they decided to call their wives to quickly pack their 6,7, or 15 children in minivan and pick them up before things got really worse.
But Noach Goldberg, you see, he was smart. He didn't much care for "dancing", and knew he wasn't cut out for full time learning, but hey, his parents and in-laws paid the bills so what the heck? but he knew the flood was coming soon, and he knew he was a very talented.....
...that he had equiped his narly boat with a time travel device. He figured, if he can go back in time, and warn the leaders of old that things need to change or else Lakewood would be doomed, the flood would not come. So he packed a loaf of his favorite gefilte-fish and was on his way. His destination...1985. A year before the great calamity.
vooooooooooom, went the might boat, till at least, he reached his destination.. 1985. Yup, 1985 the year the Ford Taurus is introduced to the public, and David Lee Roth officially leaves Van Halen. (nothing else really happened). The first thing Noach does is look for the great sage of the time, Rav Brown...
...and tells him everything that's supposed to happen. Rav Brown thinks for a few minutes, amazed at his story, and just sits and strokes his beard quietly. After a few minutes, he says "Noach. Dear Noach. We must learn Torah!"
"But Rebbe, don't you see?! We must ease the burden on the women!"
"We can only ease their burden through our learning. We must learn better and harder than ever before!! Don't you see?! This is what causes the mabul! People get distracted and debated what way of life is better instead of learning! We must not let this happen!!"
Noach talked with his Rebbe for another few minutes, but to no avail. He could not convince him to do anything but learn and get everyone else to follow. It was almost like a mob mentality - suddenly, everyone was focused only on the idea of "everyone must learn full time!!" instead of planning for any future problems. Noach thought back to his OWN days in Yeshiva, and how crazed everyone was about the idea of "learning full time". 'Ahh... if only it were 25 years ago..'
Suddenly, it clicked. It was HE who blew it all!
... so therefore he went back in his boat and decided to go back to the time that he had been in school. When he got there he carefully gassed all of the schools in lakewood, wrapped the teachers in sacks and bound them with string, making sure to poke air holes in the sacks so that they could breathe. (OUCH! stop poking me!)
He needent be concerned that they might not fit the boat because it was magic. The more he filled the boat the more it grew on the inside, kind of like dovids little basket from dovid comes home, but he tried not to think about the similarity or the fact that his mother, who used to be lubavitch, had corrupted his mind with such books. Maybe he should get rid of that book too while he is at it.
so with all of the teachers inlakewood in his little boat he zipped the magic time traveling boat to...
Heeeeey, this could be a good documentary hypothesis test. If we put everything together, and send it to some linguist, will they be able to find the variations in style? :)
HH, just continue the story.
The year should change to 1983.Noah should know it is not by magic the flood will end.The truth will set him free.Once he gets real about things he to will almost enjoy Dancing with the Stars or at least the people in his family that do.Then there can be a cartoon, book, or movie as Noah does enjoy those outlets!
...to his time. He wanted to show everyone in the boat what God hath wrought upon Lakewood for the mistreatment of the women.
"Now do you see what you have caused? DO YOU UNDERSTAND FINALLY? You must change your ways or everything we hold dear is doomed by the flood"
The rabbis and teachers looked with anguish at what was transpiring. They could not beleive their eyes. God was indeed punishing them. At last, they could bare to see no more. They promised Noach they they would change everything. They would make things right. Noach put the boat in reverse and headed back to 1985. He untied them, thanked them and went back to his time.
They rabbis and teachers sat long and thought hard at what they could do. At last, one of the teachers came up with an ingenius solution:
" I know, we should learn even more Torah, that will surely solve the problem. God will be pleased with us, and no flood shall come.
"Vonderful, Vonderful" all shouted as they huried to their kollels and schools.
--------
Noach was finally back to this own time. But, but, nothing changed, the flood was still coming.
"How could this be?" "This wasen't supposed to happen. They said they would fix it"
Then, the startling conclusion entered his mind. He could not change the past. Nothing can change the flood from coming. For if the flood was never supposed to happen, how could he have gone back into the past to stop it in the first place.
Noach now realized...
that he was doomed, I tell you, doomed....
But then he thought, if i cannot save the others, maybe, just maybe, i can save myself. So with a quick glance at the half naked woman with one leg dancing on that show that he didnt much care, he went back to his boat. Rain wall falling heavily, and he saw people sadly tearing themselves away from the television. He realized that the vaibelach never did come in their minivans to pick up their husbands. He understood that the lakewood wives had finally realized that saving their husbands was futile and were taking care themselves. He wondered about his own dear Shaindy and if she was okay. The last time he saw her, this morning she was getting dressed as she was diapering little yossi, telling sora to brush her teeth, pouring cereal into a bowl and detergent into the machine, and rescheduling her appointment with another client. Noach felt bad. He was in the bathroom all that time, wondoring why things were so chaotic and where the other 7 children were. Ah well...
but then the thought occurred to him. maybe, just maybe he could start over. Maybe he could save Shaindy. Should he travel back in time to just before the imminent flood in lakewood and escape with her? Should he take all those children, yiddeshe neshomos, with him?...
...He sat for a long time, pondering the complicated results of messing with the space-time continuum, and wondering why nothing he did to tamper with it seemed to do any good. And then, while he was anyway thinking, he began to ponder the weirdness of Lakewood possibly being flooded, considering the rarity of such events ever happening on the East Coast and the lack of open miracles nowadays; and also tragic stupidity that would cause thousands of otherwise fairly intelligent people not to notice the rain and flooding and so forth; and also the sudden callousness of so many women who had hitherto been so convinced of the holiness of the supporting their husbands' learning and so forth....when all of a sudden, he realized the realization that answered all of these incongruities and so much more....he was living in a morality tale constructed by a bunch of people who had never been to Lakewood and had a vested interest in a tragic outcome!
So he...
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