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Ask Shifra

Something Different... Answering questions and making curious observations (online) since 2005.


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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Modern and the Orthodox: Episode 2

(I'm going to be pretty busy today and tomorrow so I decided to post this week's episode early... Enjoy!)

Episode Two:
Setting: An Israeli Hospital late at night.
Several women including the Rosh Yeshiva’s elderly wife are sitting on chairs in the hallway outside a hospital room while a doctor converses with the Rosh Yeshiva’s son (who is a rosh yeshiva himself), and his talmid muvhack (who is also ALSO a Rosh Yeshiva himself) about the man’s condition.

Doctor: It’s too soon to tell but according to the cat scan it appears that there is only a slight concussion. I believe he will make a full recovery. It’s really quite astounding for a man of his age to take such a hard fall without breaking any bones. In fact he is barely bruised! Tell me, did someone catch him?

RH’s son: Well I wasn’t there at the time, I was at my own yeshiva, but I was told that when my father hit his head on the shtender his hat flew back and when he fell, he landed with his head on the hat!!! It’s a miracle! The most amazing part is that he never wears his hat for maariv but only put it on in honor of Chanuka! Nissim v’ neflaos b’Chol yom!
Doctor, maybe you'd like to make a donation to my yeshiva? You know, in honor of this Nes?

RH’s Talmid: This is no time for shnorring! Look! The Rosh Yeshiva is starting to open his eyes!!

Doctor: (in a loud, clear voice) Rabbi, Rabbi Mendlewitz can you hear me?
You are in the hospital. They tell you me you had a bit of a fall. Can you follow this light with your eyes? OK, OK take it easy, it’s alright…

The Rosh Yeshiva begins to look about the room nervously moving only his eyes from side to side.

Doctor: (softly) He may be a bit disoriented (motions to the son) see if you can get him to relax.

Rabbi Mendlewitz Jr. Steps toward his father.

Rabbi M Jr: It’s me, Yosef, is my father still alive?

Rosh Yeshiva: (weakly) Of course I’m alive, what kind of a question is that you idiot?! And who are you?!

Rabbi M Jr: I’m your oldest son, don’t you recognize me?

RY: (whispers) No, you must be mistaken. (Closes his eyes)

_________________________________________________

Setting: Somewhere in Canada, in an unmarked office building.
A think tank of roughly twenty men and women of various shapes and sizes comprising the secret Downtown Ontario Underground Bittul Torah Society (or D.O.U.B.T.S. as it is known to its members) sit around a wood laminate conference table. At the head of the table stands an unremarkable looking man (well, except for the eyepatch and the lab coat) in his early 40's who speaks enthusiastically as he points his stick at a powerpoint presentation on the wall behind him.

Dr. Idstein: Finally, after years being called "weak" we are at the cusp of finally disproving "God" once and for all and thus ridding ourselves of the plague of Orthodox Judaism!
No more will we be made to feel inadequate, no more will these OJ's be able to lord their "chosen-ness" over all the peoples of the world! Finally, with a combination of advanced particle physics, these old Tradition articles, and with the help of this rusty butter knife, it will be DONE once and for all! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

To Be Continued...

15 Comments:

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Mar Gavriel said...

an unremarkable looking man (well, except for the eyepatch and the lab coat)

And the only way for Orthodox Judaism to defend itself against an atheist in a lab-coat is to bring in the Orthodox chemist superhero...

LabRab!!

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger Little Wolf said...

I really dislike these cliff hanger endings, this new show is almost as frustrating as 24.

Why,oh why do we have to wait a whole week for the resolution?

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Lab Rab said...

MG, I don't know about that, but I do know that if you blogsearch "heimishe se*" you will reach my blog ... and that quite a few have done this already ... but of course se* has no place in a heimish soap opera!

Meanwhile, I for one am wondering how much of a rosh yeshiva this elderly man really is, if a) he doesn't wear a hat for maariv - but does for Chanukah? That's just bizarre. Sound like one of MG's prehistoric ashkenazi minhagim. b) If he were a true RY, even his son should refer to him in the third person, so he should say explicitly, "I am Yosef, is my father still alive?"

And if this RY isn't everything he's cracked up to be - and denies that Yosef is the true eldest son - does he have something to do with that adopted man from episode one?

Ah ... time will tell.

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger Mar Gavriel said...

I just tried, both with the X and with the asterisk, but in vain, for I did not reach LabRab's blog.

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger Shifra said...

lab rab: what is "se"

If you google Haimish Soap Opera you will get MY site!

Also you are SO right- I really wanted to use the original text but I didn't think it would work but now I see that it would have! Can I edit it now or is it too late?

Yes, the RY is the real deal - let's say for argument's sake that it is some obscure minhag (which I have no source for.)

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger Lab Rab said...

Sorry, I just got through posting on datingmaster's blog ... far too much explicitness for my poor neshome to handle ...

Anyway, go to http://blogsearch.google.com/

Type in the words "heimishe sex" and you will get me as one of the two options.

Type in "heimish soap opera" and you will get this site.

Shifra, you didn't get it since you spelled it "heimish" without the "e" at the end.

And is it "heimish" or "haimish" anyway?

Which spelling is correct? Sounds like a job for ... (drum roll) The Diqduk Geeks!!!

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger Lab Rab said...

Shifra,

Yes, please edit it now. It's too good to leave out.

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger Y.Y. said...

wow shifra this is awesome!

 
At 10:25 AM, Anonymous brutus said...

What do you have against Canadians?

 
At 10:09 PM, Blogger miriam said...

I think there should have been a lot more "my father" and a lot fewer "he" in the part where the R"Y's son describes what happened... at least according to the "derech Eretz" program at my kids' school, a child should not use "he" or "she" when referring to a parent, but should say, "my father" or "my mother." Which sounds really stilted if used for every occurance, but perhaps you need a bit more of it anyhow.

Thanks for reminding me why I don't watch TV, anymore, and hardly ever watched soaps even then. (But I'm enjoying this one!)

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...

using the proper utensil for improper purposes...

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger Shifra said...

That butter knife line was just for you and Mirty, I'm glad you noticed it ;-)

 
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