Matters of the heart (and mind)
As I'm typing this my brother is being prep-ed for open-heart surgery.
I'm at work and he is hundreds of miles away and it's very difficult.
I bought a ticket to fly out there from Sunday to Thursday to help take care of him and his family as he recovers. I think my sister-in-laws parents are there now, and I didn't want to get in their way. I wanted to come when I'd be of the most use... but as the hours and minutes slowly tick by I'm sorry I'm not there now.
I've been worried about my brother since I found out he wasn't well but right now is the first time I'm really afraid. When he had surgery when we were were both kids, I remember seeing him on the gurney, in his hospital gown, IV in place, 1/2 sedated ready to roll into the operating room. I remember squeezing his hand for luck even though I didn't know if he was aware that I was there. When he squeezed back I knew he'd be OK. I wish I could feel that "squeeze back" now. Sure my brother can be a jerk sometimes, but when the two of us are together we make each other laugh like no one else can. If anything happened to him that's what I'd miss the most.
Now I'm crying but it feels to good to finally get that out there- this is exactly why I love blogging.
The screen is getting all blurry now so let me just say thank you to all my friends out there in cyberspace for your kind emails, offers of tehillim and support- you've all been a big help to me.