What (men and) Women Want- The Brain in a Jar Theory - Part Two
Cyber dating is a lot like old school matchmaking. The best you can do without meeting in person is to check out how things seem "on paper," but even the most experienced matchmaker cannot guarantee a perfect match based on resumes alone. In fact the way a person represents himself on paper, as honest as he may try to be, may not be at all the way others view him.
Humans by nature are social creatures. Even the most independent among us crave love and understanding. I think those are the two things people look for most in a mate whether they know it or not. Without love and understanding there is no “relationship” at all. When one brain in a jar meets another or when two people meet each other for the first time in real life, and they attempt to get to know one another, they are really testing each other for those two things.
Here’s another sample IM conversation with the underlying motives explained in parenthesis:
Somegrrrl83: You know, I don’t really look that much like Sandra Bullock (she’s testing to see if he will love her even if she is less hot that previously advertised.)
Someguy81: Oh you know that looks don’t matter to me- I’m not shallow. (He doesn’t want her to think he’s shallow, also he’s probably not all that hot himself, yet still wants her affections.)
Somegrrrl83: Right, of course me too. (I understand you, I understand you!! Whew I was worried for nothing!)
Someguy81: But you do look kind of like her, right? (he doesn't want to give up the dream of the perfect girl, yet attempts to show he is realistic)
Somegrrrl83: Oh sure definatley kinda like her. (sort of, in dim light, if she gained sixty pounds, oh he loves and understands me so he’ll love and understand this too, I hope.)
Someguy81: Not that it matters (it totally matters I just don’t want it to, don’t think I’m shallow, don’t think I’m shallow.)
Somegrrrl83: So we’ll meet soon right? (I need to plan for the future to see if you are committed to this.)
Someguy81: Yes, very soon! (Not yet, I want to live the dream just a little longer.)
Although “the big two” (love and understanding) are very important there are quite a few other relationship deal breakers than may arise as time goes on. Do we have the same values and goals? Is this person attractive to me? Do I enjoy spending time him? Does her laugh want to make me stick my head in an oven? These are things that can only be felt in the three dimensional world. The attachment that two jarred brains feel for each other can feel very real but cannot exist outside the virtual world without the two people forming a total human connection. That is why relationships that stay in the “virtual” stage too long can end quite painfully. There is a great emotional or mental connection but it is not complete. There is a huge build up between two people who may not be at all compatible in the real world and like it or not the real world is where we all ultimately live.