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Ask Shifra

Something Different... Answering questions and making curious observations (online) since 2005.

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Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Dating Game

I’m not a matchmaker but I play one on the web.
My matchmaking parody went off so well that I’ve been asked to continue it as a feature in an effort to help some of our single J-Blogging friends find true happiness (or whatever lie we are supposed to tell single folks to get them down the aisle.)

With no further ado I give you:

The Bochar of the Month

July’s eligible bachelor is known to the web as halfnutcase, he’s 20 but assures me he will be turning 21 in early Cheshvan. His mental age has been put anywhere between five and twenty-five. Yoni, as he is know to his friends, doesn’t drink, and lives in the eastern US but is willing to travel the country to meet Miss Right if necessary.

Here are some highlights from his internet interview with yours truly:

Shifra: Do you consider yourself ready for marriage?
Yoni: Ready to be a parent? Sure. Ready to work my tail off...yes. completely. [Am I] sure I can manage actually earning enough now? i hope so!

Shifra: What are you doing with your life these days?
Yoni …. [I’m] in collage so that i can get a secular teaching degree... to go back to the yeshiva system with and start doing something productive!

Shifra: What do you wish you were doing with your life?
Yoni: Teaching, raising and taking care of kids, and all the other good stuff. Is now a good time to mention that I can cook, clean house, do dishes, do laundry (including the ironing.) Also, I'm fairly good with children, (as well as babysitting/taking care of them.) I want to be able to make enough money to keep my wife happy but since I want to be a teacher she’ll have to have reasonable expectations.

Shifra: What is your level of observance?
Yoni: Chassidic. I was m'karev to the Chassidim through Chabad. But I’m not connected to a particular branch of Chassidus nor do I sit on the sidelines when people say "this is enough anyone who does more is crazy!" I try to grow in my observance constantly.

Shifra: What is your general haskafa?
Yoni: I don't know what to put for that. My "hero" growing up was probably Reb Baruch who is the center of the Friedeker Lubavitcher Rebbe’s memoirs? I really never bothered putting it in to words. I guess it's just to grow, learn and do what ever we can. Isn't that what we are supposed to do?

Shifra: Where do you stand on the political spectrum?
Yoni: I rather dislike both sides. They are way to polarized. I'd rather see what is best for everyone happen. Not one particular party line.

Shifra: What does marriage mean to you?
Yoni: Someone to do things for, to help, and to raise children with together in torah.

Shifra: What are you looking for in a wife?
Yoni: Someone who wont play games with people’s feelings, who will not sit by the wayside while someone suffers. Someone who cares, someone who just doesn't like doing things just because that's how everyone else does it, even if it isn't really the right or the best thing to do. Someone who will defend friends and family. Someone intelligent. Someone with respect for those different than herself. This one is kinda odd but the kind of person who knows when to tell her husband when he's getting to the point of working himself to death. I guess more than anything it's "genuineness" that I am looking for.

Next I asked our bachelor bochur to rate his priorities on a scale from one to ten.
Priorities- Rate of a scale of one to ten how important are the following issues to you in a potential mate:
Sense of Humor 8
Physical Attractiveness 3
Torah learning 7
Torah observance 9 (very)
Relationship with Family 9
Intelligence 9
Being a Maverick: 10 (Yoni added that one!)
Not being a fanatic: 10 (Yoni’s too)
Personality: 9

In terms of his own PERSONAL priorities Yoni answered as follows:
Intelligence 9
Earning potential 4
Relationship with family 6-7
Education 8
Social Status 2
Religious Observance 9
Personality 10
Sense of humor 8
Talents or hobbies 4-6
Political leanings 4

Does this fine young fellow sound like a dream come true? Or would you like to be the next Bachur(or Bas Yisroel) of the Month?
Write me at Shifraq@gmail.com and we’ll set things up!

Disclaimer: I don’t actually KNOW this fellow in real life so if you choose to date him yer on yer own.


At 3:19 PM, Blogger Eliyahu said...

shifra, you know it's totally awesome to help someone find their basherte! halfnutcase, there are times in life when jews take new names, mostly for serious stuff. get an additional name that sounds better when it's whispered in your ear.

At 4:02 PM, Blogger Air Time said...

I'm concered with his answer as to his readiness to be married. There is a lot more to being married than being a parent.

At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to be able to make enough money to keep my wife happy

I think this line, more than anything, indicates a lack of understanding of women and thus an unreadyness for marriage.

At 5:05 PM, Blogger Looking Forward said...

-.- i'm planing to be a teacher. teachers make very very little money. i think it was i "hope" no? besides it is hard for someone to be happy when there isn't enough for basic things beyond food and shelter. there are all kinds.

At 6:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey hey, let's not all jump on this poor guy. He was brave enough to put himself out there- let's keep the advice constructive.

Why don't one of you elderstatesmen tell him what marriage is really all about...
(I can't wait to hear myself)

At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its not HNC's fault. I went into marriage as underprepared as he seems to be, and now 6 years in I'm still trying to catch up.
Here's one peice of advice HNC. The hardest work in marriage isn't the housework, parnassa, or your kids, its connecting and relating to your wife every single day. And you have no idea what kind of work that is. Your wife is not your roommate in yeshiva. She is (will be iy'h) a woman. Vehameiven yavin.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Looking Forward said...

if i might make but a single small comment on whether or not i "understand" or can relate with women:

as a child all my friends where women (because i was "exiled" in public school for a while and those of the best character and middos where girls. this ended begining in high school and till then i had to learn with young students the rav brought in) and as a result of this i have no clue how to even speak or interact with men well. for this reason my actualy mashpia is a woman (folowing the instructions and concerns of the rebbetzin here) and usualy any instruction i get from the rav has to be translated by the rebbetzin (who basicaly is my mashpia) before it makes any sense to me. i interact with women much more naturaly than with men (because of this i hated yeshiva)

now all this asside, knowing how my life has gone so far, my beshert will probably interact more like a guy than a young lady and i'll still be in the same boat, but... it does not follow to say that i "understand" women less than a married man, many appologies.

At 4:30 PM, Blogger Air Time said...

After ten years you'd think I could just rattle off what Marriage is about, but here goes nothing.

Being married means creating a partnership with someone with whom you are going to build a life with.

It means having someone who is always there for you, but expects that you will be there for her as well.

It means washing the dishes because she has spent the working just as hard as you have, and then putting the kids to bed because soemone has to do it, and sometimes, it may as well be you.

It means being there to listen to things you have no interest in, and can't imagine how a rational human being can be itnerested in this. And it means being supportive of whatever that is.

It means deciphering moods and communicating, and remembering that a crappy day at work does not mean you need to be angry at everyone in the house.

It means having your best friend there all the time, but it also means stepping away sometimes, because two people living in the same space doing the same things can kill someone.

Ten years in, it means realizing that the girl you married has changed into a woman, and her ideas of fun from ten years earlier are nto the same things she considers fun.

It means some days you actually have to walk through the feminine hygiene aisle at the grocery, and try to remember if you need light days, heavy days, and try to remember if you are getting tampons or pads.

It means having fun and getting angry and fighting and making up. It means lots of sex, except when you go through dry spells, and you can't remember when the last time you got any.

It's probably cliche to say marriage is a journey, but that's what it is. There is a starting point, and it will end in death or divorce. Or murder, if you're OJ.

It means raising kids and becomign part of a community, where there are communal responsibilities that you may have to shoulder to help make the community a better place for your family.

And hopefully, if its good, you get to spend the rest of your life with someone you love and care deeply about.

At 4:34 PM, Blogger Air Time said...

And HNC, I don't know if you are an excellent speller with killer grammar and you just type so fast that you forget yourself, but if you are going to be a teacher, please use spell check.

I can't count the number of times we have received things from teachers that have misspelled words and poor syntax.

It reflects badly on the teacher, the school, and the quality of education our children are receiving.

At 5:43 PM, Blogger Looking Forward said...

It's the latter. All this time around chereidim who can neither spell, nor use a halfway decent and understandable english. English i can use just fine thank you.

At 11:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like that Air Time. Worthy of being a post on your own blog.

I've only been married nine months, but these have been the best times of my life. Life is a journey, and it's a journey that is meant to be shared. Walking the path with your best friend beside you is the greatest reward life can bring.

At 11:46 PM, Blogger My Boro Park said...

What about the singles waiting to be married.People collect $$$$$$ for hachnasas kala but do n othing for singles.

At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Air Time, I agree with Mirty, that was great!

It does deserve better than being hidden away in the comments section of a low-profile blog.

As for still searching, I'm thinking about what you said... I'll try to open your question up to the floor later today.

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