Ask Shifra

Happy Chanuka

2011-12-20T17:20:00.002-05:00

Hey there!
Happy Chanuka to all of you out there in blog-land.

I moved AND started a new job in October so I've been keeping busy. So busy I almost forgot I was the proud owner of this little blog here.

I don't check in here often (as you may have noticed, or um... stopped noticing) but I still see any comments my blog gets come through in my email in box and there is nothing like a little hate-in-the-face to remind you you own a blog. It was one of those "Hitler was right" kind of comments to fairly inoffensive post (actually I try to make ALL my posts as inoffensive as possible) and when I saw the email I was like... "Hey! I have a blog!" and also "People sure hate Jews!" but mostly the first. I'll be deleting that comment shortly.

Speaking of inoffensive - this "Happy Holidays" thing is going a little too far for me this year. Are we really going to pretend Christmas doesn't exist. My company just put out the list of days off for 2012 with Easter listed as "Spring Holiday" and Christmas as "Winter Holiday." Really??
It's December 25th, it's not any day of the winter you choose... If Christmas is a legal holiday in this country let's not pretend it isn't. I am not offended by reality, is anyone?

If anything I think I'm offended that people feel they have to tap dance around me and other non-Christians. I think we can handle it.

Wishing everyone a Happy Chanuka!

NOT DEAD!

2011-09-02T06:17:00.003-04:00

Apparently my blog was redirecting there for a bit, but I'm still here.
Thanks to Eliyahu and someone at Google it's all fix-ed now!

YAY!

How I Spent My Summer

2011-08-29T15:25:00.007-04:00

This summer went by much too quickly for me. I feel like I didn't accomplish enough or have enough fun. Perhaps a recap will give me some perspective....

Kids and Trips -

My kids really did have a good summer: Plenty of time with both sets of grandparents, camp for my younger one, babysitting and SAT prep for my older one with plenty of time to hang with friends, rollerblade and write songs in between. I did take my kids on a one day trip to the Camel Beach Water Park in the Poconos. That was excellent - I love the lazy river, water slides too! I also did a 3 hour kayaking trip around the Sedge Islands. It was an eco-tour where we learned about the animals and plants in the area. Very interesting stuff!

Work and Job Interviews - Work is rough. Ever since my department discovered that they can "do more with less" I've been completely overwhelmed with no end in sight. Things with my manager are still tenuous at best so I spent the early part of the summer looking for another job with a more generous salary. I had a couple of good leads both found through job sites (I am not a networker.) One was a at a French based company. I did well at the US interview but when I had the Skype-style interview with the head office in France the combination of the language barrier and the poor sound quality was just more than I could overcome. Also I didn't really want to be a one person department, that seemed lonely and scary!

I had another interview with a large candy manufacturer. The interview was one of those where they get you in a room with a group of people and ask you canned questions like "How did you resolve a conflict in the workplace" or "What is the most difficult conversation you ever had at work." They asked dozens of these and I foolishly used my manager twice as an example (because I so rarely have conflicts in the workplace.) I also used a metaphor involving a frilled lizard. I didn't get the job.

Television - There is a lot of terrible stuff on Television! Storage Wars, Untold Stories of the ER, Millionaire Matchmaker, Hoarders.... ick!! And yet somehow on those rare occasions when I just plunk down in front of the TV I find myself watching 2 hours of this junk back-to-back-to-back (ok not hoarders... that's too awful even for me.)

Snacks and Drinks - Yeah, I gained weight this summer, stupid I know. Here are some of my favorite new snacks and drinks. Low-calorie gatorade in orange, Pop Corners (this is like popcorn flattened into a chip somehow) I like the sea salt and Jalapeno flavors. The butter flavor tastes like puke according to my daughter (not recommended.) Fiber One has an 80 calorie pre-packaged brownie out that's really good, and if calories don't count for you I recommend Mint Oreo Fudge creams are like the Girl Scout's "Thin Mints" but with less cookie and more of the good stuff. My kids also recommend Sabra's Greek Olive Hummus with Stacy's Pita Chips.

Gardening - I live in an apartment but there is still a little area for a garden. This year I grew red peppers, tomatoes, strawberries, cucumbers, mint, basil, chives, dill, parsley, and oregano. The red peppers and chives were the most successful but I did get a little of everything.

Projects - I paid off my Yaris this summer and I'm very happy with that little car. Due to the recall on the floor mats I found I was wearing a large hole in the car's carpet where I rest my left foot while I drive. I took the old (offending) car mat and cut out a large plus sign (or cross if you will) I tucked in under the hole one side at at time and glued it down with marine glue. Looking good! Ok looking like to total patch job but still WAAAY better.

I also was the lucky recipient of a free "easy button" from staples.
While it's very amusing on it's own I'm in the process of rewiring it to say what ever I like by installing a tiny microphone. This is my first wiring project and it's slow going (even with help.)

So I guess I did do a few things this summer... still time goes so fast... sigh...

So, how was it?

2011-08-10T09:10:00.003-04:00

If you were fasting yesterday how did it go?
Did it make you feel sad, self-reflective, or just hungry?

My fast went pretty well, I got myself off caffeine a week before and that was a big help.

For me I think it's a good thing to fast once in a while. Even though my financial situation has had it's ups and downs over the years I've never been in a situation where I had nothing to eat. I don't want to get too political here but I think if some folks in Washington went without a meal once in a while they would have a lot more respect for the programs that keep America's children from going hungry on a regular basis.

The nine-days do have an effect on me, particularly because they are so restrictive during a time of year that's usually a lot more relaxed. Whatever I'm in the mood to do (especially on the weekends) such as go to the movies, or the beach, I have to tell myself, no - that's too much fun - and it reminds me of all the tragic events of that time of year. A custom that my Shul has, of remaining completely silent upon leaving the building in complete silence after the reading of Eicha is particularly effective. Shul is such a social place most of the time - not speaking changes the mood entirely.

One thing that kind of gets to me is the pile of events that are always listed as on or near the 9th of Av. I'm not a huge fan of coincidences, they make me feel skeptical - the more coincidences you heap on the less I'm included to buy what you are selling. Kind of like that whole Kennedy/Lincoln thing. Too much! Also why are any of those facts in important? Coincidences are everywhere but they don't necessarily mean anything. I have a hard time considering a certain time of year "unlucky." Sad yes, unlucky no. Still I'd rather lump together a group of sad things and mourn them all at once than separately all year long.

Share your 9 days experiences in the comments. I'm interested!

If God Had a Blog

2011-08-02T15:45:00.002-04:00

I liked this - (yes I know this more like a Facebook post than a blog entry.)

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2011/08/08/110808sh_shouts_simms

The World's Most Polite Pyramid Scheme.... or not...

2011-07-28T09:36:00.007-04:00

A couple of weeks ago S, an old friend of mine, invited me to party.
A Mary Kay party.

For those of you not so familiar with Mary Kay it is a line of skin care products and make up for women that is sold by local "independent sales reps" as opposed to through standard retail channels. I have trouble saying no, and I've been meaning to be more social lately, so I said yes.

So I went to the party. I can't say I really fit in, although to S's credit there was a wide range of women there (about 12 total) of various ages, backgrounds, religious leanings, and skin types.

Actually it wasn't much of a party although there was quite a bit of laughing and having fun.

It was, in fact, a product demonstration of just about as many Mary Kay products as you could possibly rub into any available skin on your face, arms, and hands in the span of an hour. The woman who did the presenting was a little much for me - over-eager in a way that seemed more sad to me than fake (big saucer eyes, describing everything as "amazing" etc.. ) also the face powder burned my cheeks a little.

After the presentation we each had to retire to S's den individually with Saucer Eyes to place our order. In my head I had already planned the one item I would buy (just eye makeup remover and nothing else!) but somehow I ended up with that plus some kind of eye cream, for wrinkles I don't even have, and no money left in my pocket (fortunately I was smart enough to leave my credit card and checks at home.) Once all that business was complete, the she asked me if I'd consider selling Mary Kay since she though I'd be great at it and gave me a video to watch about all the goodness that selling Mary Kay can bring to your life.

Now, selling Mary Kay would be about the last thing on earth I'd like to do, but I watched the video anyway. (I know, why do I keep doing things I don't want to do, right? In this case think I was curious.) It was all about this woman, who made piles of money selling Mary Kay and quit her sexist big city job and now is the best mom and saleslady ever! Yay!

After the video I consulted the internet for varying views on how great or terrible Mary Kay is and whether or not it's a pyramid scheme and if that matters. There was a lot of information but it all seemed skewed one way or another and honestly in the end I think if you love to meet people and working for yourself and selling cosmetics it could be great (although I think your chances of getting rich are slim) and if not it's not for you.

The video however did inspire me to do more of the things that enrich me as a person - like blogging, and several other interests and projects I've been letting languish.

So Mary Kay,

If you are reading this, and you are an actual person who is still alive, Thanks!

-Shifra

PS. Your eye cream costs $35 and smells like rotting flowers? Why is that?

Guess Who?

2011-07-27T09:58:00.004-04:00

It's not easy being Ask Shifra.

When I started this blog I thought... I'm easy to talk to and have it pretty much together, maybe I can help people, that sounds like fun.

Of course later it turned into a jumble of things - writing, sharing ideas, a soap opera with no resolution, meeting cool people, and venting (naturally) all under the veil of anonymity. Nice!

As things in my life got more complex I became more of myself and less of my alter-ego. When my brother died I think I pretty much outed myself and even my parents learned about this blog (maybe they have forgotten by now? I'm pretty sure the words "browser history" mean nothing to them.)

Not long after that, when my marriage fell apart, I thought: Who am I to give advice or to tell people what I think is right? I felt so turned around, I didn't feel like myself at all. During all that time the best advice I got (and I didn't get a lot) was "Try to be OK." That seemed like an attainable goal...maybe... And you know what? After a year or so of faking it, I'm a lot better than OK. I'm good. More importantly, I'm BACK.

Do people still read blogs? Let's find out, shall we?

-Shifra

Friday Updates

2009-11-06T07:55:00.001-05:00

I don't like to leave people hanging so here are the updates from last post:

Talked to my boss. Things are better.
Still Sick (maybe sicker!)
Buyers pulled out of the deal
It STILL is what it is

Good Shabbos!

What's bothering Shifra

2009-09-23T10:16:00.006-04:00

This was posted in November - I don't know what happened to the date....

I'm in a bad mood, and this has always been a good place to vent.

I don't expect I have much of a readership left so no need to worry about my content being unpleasant or whatever I guess so might go for it.

1) WORK - I am happy to be employed. I am not happy to be micromanaged.

I'm at a high enough level that I should be trusted. Don't assume, Mr. Boss-Man, that just because I don't copy you on everything I do doesn't mean I'm not working. I had a conference call with someone in Glasgow this morning which you didn't even know about. Not to mention copying you on everything makes me look and feel like a puppet. If I am the project manager, let me manage the projects! Also maybe tell me this stuff to my face not over IM and a clipped phone call. If you have an issue with my work let's talk about it face to face.

You said to use my discretion about what to copy you on. I think you meant use YOUR discretion. Fine. Hope your emailbox doesn't explode.

2) GERMS - How is it that one night you go to bed feeling fine and you wake up the next morning feeling like death on wheels? I also burned my tongue on a hot tea. Somebody call the waaaaaambulance I have an acute case of whiny-ness.

3) REAL ESTATE - I'm selling my house because I can't manage the mortgage on my own.

It's a very nice well maintained old house, but it's 100 years old, like most of the houses in my town. So no, I'm not going to waterproof the basement, rebuild the garage or put in a state of the art furnace at my own expense. It's a nice house in a nice neighborhood, reasonably priced, and I'll throw in a 1 year home warranty, but it is what it is. You want granite counter tops? Go buy some! I'm not giving the place away for free so stop living up to every lousy Jewish stereotype and just buy my house or go away.

4) IT IS WHAT IT IS - What a stupid pointless expression and now even I'm using it... like everyday! Of course it IS what it IS... why does that even need to be said. Call me back when it's going to change and be something else.

OK that's all for now.

I'm Old.

2009-09-08T09:11:00.003-04:00

Today my oldest (the famous Bas-Shifra) starts high school.
I feel like *I* was just in high school... wow... I'm old.

Relaxing and Religion

2009-08-17T08:53:00.024-04:00

I just heard about some research which took a look at European vacation.

No no, not National Lampoon's European Vacation! I mean the benefit of having the extended vacation time that is mandated in Europe. Did you know that Europeans get about TWICE the vacation time Americans do?! Well yeah, I knew that too, but every time I hear it, it annoys me.

My summer has consisted of driving kids all over the place, getting poison ivy while mowing my lawn, battling a computer virus, 32 conference calls and a couple trips to the beach. Fun, fun, fun. I also rented High Fidelity, one of my favorite books and movies of all time. If that's the highlight of my summer I think I'm in bad shape.

ANYWAY, this new research shows that more vacation time results in a better attitude, lower blood pressure, weight loss, overall health and fitness, increased religiosity and spirituality, and an over all better quality of life. You don't need to be a scientific researcher to work most of that out! The majority of people I know work 50 weeks a year just for those two weeks vacation.

Time off is great! Work is stressful!

So what's this about religion and vacation? You always hear about people finding religion in times of stress but not usually while resting in a hammock sipping a pina colada. I've never heard anyone say "There are no atheists in a tropical paradise."

Can being more relaxed help you find God? Or is religion more of a luxury item affordable to those with peace of mind?

Please post your thought below, I have to get back to work!

Corporate Culture

2009-08-05T20:52:00.005-04:00

As you may recall I was laid off from my old job in January of 2008 and I started a new job in March. This job is a lot different than my last. More stressful and high profile for sure, but with more interesting projects (which are mine to manage.) The corporate structure and culture is different too. Political correctness, environmental friendliness and the encouragement of diversity all get a lot of lip service, and even some actualization!

It seems like I'm constantly being bombarded with not only work, but company policies which seem to be manufactured and modified continuously from somewhere deep within the corporate machine.

One of my favorite things in the office is when opposing ideas are put out right next to each other. For example, recently there was a big push toward improving building security recently. Employees were directed to display their work IDs prominently at all times and not to hold the door for people to prevent unauthorized persons from gaining entry. The new policy is prominently posted everywhere, on doors, in the break rooms, and on posters in the copy rooms.

Another highly publicized campaign around the office at the same time was one which talked about assisting people with disabilities in the office. There was a webcast, handouts with tips about how to treat the disabled and of course more posters.

So we were left with two posters side by side plastered throughout the office.
The poster on the right shows a polite employee holding the door for a coworker using crutches (but still able to hold his briefcase!) with the caption "Who needs help getting in the door? Everyone!" and a blurb about how we all need help at times, so be nice to the disabled.
The poster on the left warns us never to hold the door for anyone, and that security is everyone's responsibility!

Oddly it doesn't seem to bother anyone but me.

Hebrew Tattoos

2009-08-03T08:28:00.002-04:00

I've been determined not to waste my summer this year, and when it comes to spending a summer right, time at the beach is high on my list.
I love the ocean, it's just magical to me and I never get tired of it.
I love looking out at the waves, playing in the sand of course people watching.

One thing I've noticed plenty of are tattoos, I never want to look, but really the whole concept just fascinates me, like some kind of super slow train wreck. Here are people who decide that there is an image they like so much they want it on their skin.... FOREVER! I have trouble picking a pair of sandles!

So what do they choose as their ever lasting image?
A skull on fire of course! Now that's an image for the ages apparently!
I have lots more to say about skulls in pop culture, but that's another post.

Aside from flaming skulls, something I've noticed plenty of that strikes me so odd is the prevalence of Hebrew tattoos.
What's up with that?

Whenever I see Hebrew permanently marked on to a persons skin my first thought is "Oh they must be Israeli... or Jewish..." but no. A second look will over reveal the presence of crosses or other marks ruling out that as a strong likelihood.

So why a Hebrew tattoo? Here's a whole website dedicated to them, and that's just one of MANY! It boggles my mind.

So the last time I was at the beach I saw a Hebrew tattoo that puzzled me, especially since my Hebrew is pretty rusty.
I don't trust my memory 100% but it was something like "Betach Baal."
The guy who was wearing it, had dozens of others from the Celtic Cross to what looked like the Golden Gate Bridge! He also looked like he could have turned me into hamburger meat in a matter of moments so I didn't ask him or look for very long, but it's been bothering me.

I looked up the word "Baal" and "tattoos" and apparently the God "Baal" was worshipped by the application of tattoos which may be part of the reason they are forbidden in Judaism today... but maybe I'm totally barking up the wrong tree here.

If any of my readers can help me solve this riddle I'd be grateful.

-Shifra

And now a word from David Bowie...

2009-07-31T15:39:00.004-04:00

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-ch -Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

Boy it's been so long since I've been on here that even the interface has changed.
There is "Monetize" tab on blogger now?!
Where has blogging gone?
Down the drain apparently.
Not that I should talk, I still get my check for $1.79 from web ads every month even though I don't post...um... ever!

Looks like old DovBear is still going strong but I've heard he's gone soft (or "nice" as he prefers to call it) what fun is that?

Where was I?
Oh yes, content, right... Posts need content...

So here's the deal. I've changed, my life has changed, blogging has changed, the world has changed...I think the death of my blog was when it got too personal so I'm going to take it back a bunch of notches and try again.

So, watch this space for ... something different?! I'm not sure myself but I think I'm ready to start writing again.

PS To all the men who keep emailing to find out if their wives are "hot chanies" I think if you need to ask the answer has got to be "no." Sorry fellas!

Mocking the Unwell or Oh, Shut UP!

2008-09-18T21:00:00.000-04:00

So I've been off-blog for a while but it's for a good reason - I've been sick.

I have ummm... OK....well... I have Mono.... but please, don't go to any trouble, I've already heard all the jokes.

No, I'm not 19, yes I know it's called the kissing disease (I did go to High School you know) and unlike in HS where a case of Mono might actually improve your social standing, as an adult it just seems weird to people.

No, I don't know where I got it, I don't know anyone with Mono, I've never had it before and believe me as an adult it's no fun. I'm getting better though, finally.

I once was lost....

2008-07-30T13:10:00.002-04:00

I have no sense of direction. I can get lost in my own town, which is a pretty good trick since it's less than two miles across. I get it from my father, I think, who blames it on being left-handed, although I don't quite see the connection.

So FINALLY I broke down and got a GPS. It's not a good one, I mean it's good enough, but not a top of the line, name brand-y type of GPS.

Sometimes I don't understand why it routes me the way it does - for example on a trip back to New Jersey from New England it took me on some kind of meandering tour through all of the Bronx - but it gets me where I need to go one way or another. It gives me a lot of peace of mind because getting lost is something I find very frustrating and sometimes frightening.

But mostly it's just SO FREAKING COOL! The fact that this little hunk of metal and plastic can know where it is at any given moment and can tell me how to get wherever I want to go, and how long it will take nearly blows my mind. I feel like Buck Rodgers or something with a little sidekick that actually talks to me.

The future is here...and it's saying take a left in 500 ft.

Lawn Care and the Single Woman

2008-07-27T21:13:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I've been gone a long time.
Longer than I've been away from this blog, that's for sure.
I haven't felt like "Ask Shifra" in well over a year but slowly I'm feeling more and more like myself.

My husband and I separated in February... it was a long time coming I guess but no less shocking somehow. When I tell people about it I compare it to this cartoon I had on my fridge for many years.

In the first frame there is a snail about two feet away from a banana peel.
In the second frame it's about a foot away from the peel.
In the third frame the snail is right up next to the peel.
And it the fourth it's yelling "WHOA!" as it slips way up into the air.

You know it's coming but it doesn't seem possible until it happens.

Telling our kids was the worst, telling my grandmothers wasn't great either.
"Who's going to mow the lawn?" asked my grandma, clearly shaken.
"I will" I said "I've always mowed the lawn."
"Couldn't you pay a neighbor boy to do it? There must be some boys around who can mow the lawn?"
"Grandma, it's not a problem, I've always mowed the lawn, I can mow the lawn..."
"Maybe you could hire a service, I don't think it would cost that much..."

So now I'm very careful to keep my lawn looking good.
The appearance of my wellbeing depends on it apparently.

For those of you left hanging from my last post, I'm pleased to report that in week seven of my job search I had three excellent job offers. I chose the company that seemed the most flexible and well organized because that's really what I need right now. It was a good choice, and I am very happy there.

I'm busy but not too busy to crank out a post now and then if anyone is still interested.
Is anyone?

Unemployment Week 3 - Out of the Box

2008-02-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

Today I spent an hour being on hold with, and then disconnected by, the New Jersey Department of Labor's voice mail system, it seems like by the time I get my unemployment money I may well have returned to the workforce!

So far there do seem to be a lot of jobs ad out there for work in my field.
I'm reading through them and applying to 'em one by one.
Just now I saw two job ads in a row requesting someone that "thinks outside the box."

Ummm... Job ad writer guys? I have a message for you:
The 1980's just called, they want their clever catch phrase back.
I might go so far as to say that out of the box practically IS today's box. So uninspiring.

Anyway back to it! Looking for a job is my job these days and for once I can't afford to slack too much. Also I've got another batch of cinnamon buns in the works and I need to go check on them.

The Unemployment Chronicles - Week 2

2008-01-29T20:49:00.000-05:00

Stop me before I bake again!!!

Well, week one of being unemployed went pretty well.
My kids were off from school and I needed some time to just relax so we went places, did projects, wrote book reports, watched movies and had fun. I also baked quite a bit. Chavi Kaufman likes to bake and so do I so there are now plenty of treats around the house for week two and I am home alone with all of them!

For months I'd been craving really gooey caramel-y cinnamon buns and I've been working on perfecting the recipe - I'm getting close - another batch or two and I should be there!
Job hunting is hard, and often depressing. Baking is easy and satisfying.

The trouble is I'm not quite fitting into my interview suit as it is and all of these baked good are not helping. Maybe tomorrow I'll start jogging... and working a little harder at this whole job search thing... or maybe both, but that's DEFINITELY going to require another batch of cinnamon buns, and of course a cup of coffee.

Axe Shifra (Part 2)

2008-01-21T06:26:00.000-05:00

On Thursday morning I was laid off.

There had been rumors, of course, but you never really know until you get the call to go down to HR. I was pretty shaken, but I was given a very respectable severance package (unlike LAST TIME) so I will not have to worry for a few months and maybe I can find something that won't have me driving three hours a day.

For now I'll be doing some freelance writing (some for free, as tzedaka, and some paid) getting myself together, collecting unemployment, spending more time with the kids, and looking for work.

It times out well, with this being the kids' vacation week. Now we can have some fun together, instead of my working most of the time. Today I'll be out on a little adventure with them all day but leave me a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

BEEEEEEEEP!

A Herculean Act of Cowardice

2008-01-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

This week a Jewish Cemetery in New Jersey was desecrated in a way I'd never seen.
90 percent of the headstones (nearly 500!) were knocked down and many smashed into pieces as they were pushed into one another.

Although this was front page news locally, it didn't even make it into the paper 30 miles away. I sent the link to Dov Bear who posted on it instantly, but popular as he, he's no CNN. Read about the 90 year old man who buried his family there. It will break your heart. My own dear friend CB has family there as well it's very upsetting. One would hope that when our loved ones are laid to rest we do not need to worry about them any longer. That they are safe and protected. The added stress of something like this is just cruel.

I don't know why I feel the need for more people to know about this.
To me this seems just huge somehow - clearly there were people pushing over headstones all night, hundreds of headstones falling and smashing, and no one called the cops.

Unable to resist, I actually drove by the cemetary myself to say some tehillim and check things out for myself. Out of respect for the families that were there to check on their loved ones I stayed in my car. Still I was able to scope out the surrounding area pretty well. Based on the location in which I found the cemetary (in a populated, formerly Jewish area- adjacent to a well traveled street, right next door to a supermarket) I found it unbelievable that all the damage was only found by grave diggers who had come to work the following morning!

To me this means, people knew and just didn't care.

I was so upset I called my father. "Why would someone do something like that" I said.
"Because they are cowards" my father replied "the dead don't fight back."

Perhaps the dead don't fight back, but we should.

Work- now with 20% less fun!

2007-12-27T13:12:00.000-05:00

I work for a professional organization, with a constantly changing corporate structure, and rules, standards, and policies galore.

Since the rulemakers can't be everywhere at once the good folks in the IT department have set us all up with some sort of internet filter - which blocks out all the fun, non-worky type web sites and allows us to visit the more boring, useful type sites.

For example:
We can visit CNN's home page, but the sports section is blocked.
We can go to yahoo to look up a phone number, but cannot visit their music section.
We can use google, but gmail is off limits.

The software also gives you a reason for the block:
Homestarrunner is classified as "useless,"
whereas MP3Sparks registers as a "music/entertainment site."

Since the web is constantly changing this software is updated frequently, and as such, I have to keep finding new sites to visit during my downtime or when I need a break.

I used to enjoy listening to NPR podcasts while I worked - but as of today those are blocked now. Very disappointing.
No more LOLCATS either - too bad, thoze catz iz funni!

Odd Todd and XKCD still seem to be flying under the radar for now, and amazingly blogger is working too (at least for now.)

OK, my break is over - post your favorite (non-blog) websites in the comments if you like!

-Shifra

Hot Stuff

2007-12-24T10:02:00.000-05:00

Bagel shops should label their cream cheeses.
This morning I pointed at what I THOUGHT was cream cheese with green olives behind the glass for my bagel, but it turned out to be jalapeno cream cheese heavy on the japapenos!
GOOOOOOD MORNING!!!
Whew!
Woke me up though.

Speaking of things that are hot.... my husband is endlessly troubled by the winter offering at Dunkin' Donuts known as "White Hot Chocolate."
This is hot beverage, similar to cocoa, but made with white chocolate instead of the real stuff.

It's pretty tasty, even though white chocolate isn't really my thing, but what bothers Amram is the name. To him a "white hot" beverage should be undrinkable, uncontainable by mere styrofoam! It should require the employees to use tongs, and wear welding masks... and should you burn your tongue... woe unto you!
He thinks they should call it Hot White Chocolate - more appetizing, less frightening.

I tried to get him to think about it differently - imagine if it was a mint flavored cocoa drink - they'd call it "Mint hot chocolate" right? Hot white chocolate makes it sounds like a melted down candy bar not a white chocolate beverage I think, but there is no convincing him.

OK that's all, just wanted to let you know I'm still around.

Oh, and I hear that my email isn't listed anywhere on this site for some reason.
I'll have to fix that but in the meantime if you have questions to "ask Shifra" send 'em on to shifraq@gmail.com and I'll get to them as soon as I can.

-Shifra

Hi Mom!

2007-10-28T16:10:00.000-04:00

Well, it was only a matter of time.
My parents have discovered my blog, or as my mom put it "You've blogged out!"
How about that?!
I suppose it was inevitable, when you blog about something personal there is always a chance, but it was still kind of a surprise since my parents aren't really internet people.

Hopefully I didn't write anything too embarrassing here and if they do choose to read through the archives maybe they'll find some things to make them smile.

Mom, Dad- welcome to the blog.

I'm...back?

2007-10-25T09:30:00.000-04:00

I've been having a hard time trying to decide what to do with this blog.

I know that many of my readers like to visit here for a bit of a brain break - something thought provoking or funny but light enough that still goes down easy.

Since my brother passed away, I've not really been feeling that humorous and when I am I feel a bit guilty about it.

In addition, when you blog about personal things it compromises your anonymity and what little privacy I though I might have had has pretty much dissolved.
It's not that I mind so much - it's kind of cool to have your friends and neighbors reading what you write but it's more pressure in a way, and restraining too, since what you say can so easily come back to haunt you.

I have had a lot of thoughts about heavy topics such as life, death, religion, shiva and many lighter ones too. I don't want this to turn into a mourning blog - although those certainly have their place, and I've gained a lot from reading them that's not what "Ask Shifra" is about. My brother was a very lively person full of energy and funny as hell and although I never want to speak for the dead I don't think he'd like that much at all.

So I'm going to try to get back to doing what I do...

I hope I still have it in me.
I hope my readers come back.
I hope they like what they find.
I hope they click on my web ads. (kidding, kidding)

I've missed you.

-Shifra

NOODLEMAN

2007-09-22T21:47:00.000-04:00

Thank you all so much for your good wishes and comments and emails and especially to those of you who have kept him in your thoughts and prayers all this time.
It's been rough.
Losing my only brother was something I always knew could happen.
Since his near miss a year and a half ago we knew his life expectancy would be shorter than it might have been... and yet it all happened so quickly and just caught us all completely off guard we didn't have time to pray or prepare.

Just over a month ago he was dancing and making people laugh at my daughters bat-mitzva and then last week that same daughter and I were crying at his funeral.
He died young, but in spite of his problems he really lived. There were hundreds of people at his funeral of all types, ages, and affiliations. I couldn't look up at all the crying faces I was so lost in my own grief but it was to his credit that all those people were there.

The eulogies were given in a chapel at the cemetery I was in the front row near the casket squeezed between my mother and my daughter. As people spoke I wanted to reach up and touch the wood, to talk to my little brother and tell him it would be all right. I wanted to tell him that I'd look after mom and dad and that he should just look out for his wife and kids.
I wanted to open it up and hold his hand. But I didn't. Of course I didn't.

It was long long long walk from the chapel to the grave. Since we have no other family in the city where my parents live, they wanted to bury him near a wonderful man who was like a grandfather to us, my brothers mohel.

So we walked and walked... My husband carried the casket with other family members in front and my daughter and I walked with my parents far behind. I could barely move my feet. I just tried to keep breathing- like I had in my house when I heard the news, and on the plane, and in the airport, and in the car... Just one deep breath after another. I felt like there wasn't enough air in the whole world for me to breathe.

I couldn't look forward at the casket, and I couldn't look back at the crowd of people behind me. I couldn't look at my father to my right so I looked to my left out into the cemetery.

After a while we passed a huge headstone with the name NOODLEMAN inscribed on it enormous letters.
For some reason even in the depths of despair in made me start to smile, almost laugh.
I know, it's just a name, and of someone who has passed away no less ... but it still struck me so funny. I tried to look down and just move past it when my daughter leaned over and whispered in my ear "Noodleman" with just the smallest smile on her tear streaked face. "I KNOW!" I whispered back... and we kept on walking.

So... thank you Noodleman where ever you are. You were right where we needed you.
I'll be back with more.
Blogging seems to be just what I need right now.

Baruch Dayan Haemes...

2007-09-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

I'm very sorry to bring bad tidings.

Shifra's brother died suddenly over the weekend at the age of 32.

Some of you may know that he battled a life-long heart condition, but really had done a lot with his life. This was very unexpected.

As Shifra is anonymous I will not be posting any contact or Shiva information, but please feel free to leave your condolences in the comments. I know that would help ease her pain at this time.

100 Things I Like

2007-07-01T16:11:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry I've been away so long.
It's been a stressful month what can I say.

I put this list of 100 things I like together as part of an email conversation with a friend but I found the exercise so interesting that I thought I'd post it up here and see what my readers have to say about it. It takes time to write up 100 different things you like (note this is not my TOP 100) but it's a lot of fun to think about all the things in life that you enjoy.

Anyway feel free to ask me questions about the list in the comments or to post up a list of 100 things you like on your own blog, it's a lot of fun.

strawberry ice cream

a good laugh

the sound of the ocean

veal chops (even though I feel bad about it conceptually)

Good Eats - the food science/cooking show

going barefoot

backrubs

Guiness

bass guitar!

thunderstorms

the colgate 360 toothbrush (seriously it's the best toothbrush ever)

Steve Martin

old photos

wood floors

fireplaces

justice

irony

ice skating

fresh tomatoes

gardening

sketching

Harrison Ford Circa 1981

Aretha Franklin

cheesecake

Rosh Chodesh
The Oxford English Dictionary

good dreams

high-top sneakers

sleeping in

Dr. Who

ping pong

found money

blogging

sharpie markers

road trips

old friends

Perkei Avos

Penguins

The MET
New notebooks
Pesach
Ticonderoga Pencils
Hematite
Hot Showers
Clean Sheets
Chuck Palahuniak Novels (even though they freak me out a little)
Down Comforters (although I don't own one myself)

Hot drinks
OK GO Videos
Wired magazine
Pearl Paint
Cabbage soup
Long walks
People who carry a fountain pen (and actually use it!)
Tiger balm
Having my own washer and dryer
email

Backpacks (I carried a backpack instead of a purse for most of my life - I guess eventually I was forced into the adult world but I still don't like it!)
fireflies
playing scales
cooking
"The Shawshank Redemption"
Coffee
Gerber daisies
water lilies
listening
making myself useful

My birthday
Kids and Babies
Buttered Popcorn (in small quantities)
TMBG
Singing with the Radio
Time alone
Games and Puzzles
Candle light
reminiscing
Day dreaming

This American Life (the radio show)
Figuring things out the hard way
Fresh air and sunlight
The Yucatan Peninsula (I've never been there I just like how it sounds)
Sincerity
Spreadsheets
New Music
Perspective
Kurt Vonnegut
re-reading old letters

Small victories
The Toyota Yaris
getting organized
maps and globes
Swimming
boating
talking things out
giving blood
loyal pets
feeling lucky

It's been a while...

2007-05-31T09:11:00.000-04:00

*Tap... Tap* is this thing on?

Hey, I've been "off blog" so long it feels strange to be back.
Things are pretty busy here - I'm planning a Bas-Mitzva, working full time with a couple of side projects in full swing as well, trying to be a good mom and a tolerant wife AND retain some kind of sanity. So far it's working but at this point I'm not taking anything for granted.

It's all good stuff so I can't complain... not at all.

Wanna hear a really bad idea?
Eating a bowl of spaghetti and sauce while highway driving.
You might THINK that wearing a apron would make it OK. Well think again my friend... think again.

OK just wanted you all to know that wasn't hit by a bus or anything. I'll get back to blogging when I can. OH and how can I forget to send out a BIG thank you to everyone who voted for me in the JIBS!? A bronze for comedy? I don't even know how that's POSSIBLE but I appreciate it. If I knew how to put the trophy on my blog I would.

OK that's it, back to the salt mines for me.
Have a great day and a good Shabbos if I don't reappear again until next week.

-Shifra

Vote for me... if you wanna...

2007-05-10T13:16:00.000-04:00

You know I'm not a big fan of politics, or lobbying, or even contests.
In the 8th grade I ran for student council president against a very popular girl because I knew I was the better choice. I lost by one vote (my brother was home sick on election day) but even before that elections never really appealled to me.
Still, I'm very pleased and surprised to see that I have been nominated for best humor blog here, twice for best post here, and twice for best humor post here. So, if you feel like it, go ahead and vote for me.

Thanks,

-Shifra

Interview Meme - yes, it's a list!

2007-05-07T12:44:00.000-04:00

This one is courtesy of Elie - wherein bloggers write up interview questions for other bloggers to respond to on their own blogs. If you would like a list of original Shifra-style questions for your blog drop me a line in the comments section.

Is there a career path that you always wished you could have taken, but never did for reasons of circumstance or practicality? If so, what?

I've always been interested in a lot of things and as such I have trouble focusing on any one exclusively. One of the worst moments of my college career was reviewing my score on a career aptitude test to discover that I had scored evenly in every area! There are so many things that interest me from architecture to teaching to writing. I've been lucky to be able to indulge in lot of my interests as hobbies and as I've gotten older I've realised I'm pretty lucky to be a jack of all trades.

Favorite meal: Breakfast, lunch, supper, shalosh-seudos, late-night snack, other?

Although I enjoy all my meals breakfast has GOT to be my favorite. I love all dairy products, eggs any style, toast, danishes, and sweet rolls. I even enjoy the very rare fleshig breakfast such as salami and eggs or kosher sausage or a even soy based alternative. Last, but certainly not least I love hot drinks - my love for coffee is well known here at Ask Shifra but I also enjoy all sorts of teas and chai, as well as hot chocolate.

Name a fictional character who has strongly influenced your personal philosophy, and why.

That's a hard one, but I'm going to say Dr. Who. Despite his tragic circumstances (homeworld destroyed, being the last of his kind, losing of innumerable friends and companions, constantly being hunted by daleks) and his lack on an explainable name ("Just the Doctor.") this fellow manages to maintain a very positive outlook on both life and humanity. He adapts well to new environments, and thinks on his feet faster than McGyver on steroids. He was also my inspiration to learn to knit scarves at the ripe old age of 13.

"When you're down, and troubled, and need some loving care..." besides nears-and-dears, what do you turn to?

Music, ABSOLUTELY. My MP3 player is pretty much wall to wall upbeat music. From punk, to classic rock, to alternative/indie, to accapella I look to music to pull me out of whatever funk I find myself in. Sure music can't solve my problems but sometimes forgetting about them for 3 minutes and ten seconds at a time makes all the difference.

The Sanhedrin is reinstituted, and you are given the opportunity to propose one item of legislation to add, eliminate, or change/evolve a current area of (Rabbinic) Jewish law. What would you submit?

Only one?! Well OK then- I'd like to propose the elimination of the sheva nikkim - it appears that women brought this one on themselves for whatever reason but I'm yet to meet a woman (or man!) who wouldn't like to put an end to it.

100,000 Hits and other Updates

2007-05-04T08:40:00.000-04:00

Well thanks to Hot Chanie (and all of you of course) I've managed to reach 100,000 hits just a few weeks shy of my second blogaversary. It's great!

Due to popular demand (that would be my BOSS demanding that some actual WORK get done around here) I will be extending "list week" for at least one more week so cover the rest of the list based topics I promised.

Have a great shabbos.

-Shifra

PS Keep sending your Ask Shifra questions to Shifraq@gmail.com, I hope to return to my regular format sometime soon.

JIB Nominations (list #2)

2007-05-01T08:34:00.000-04:00

Note: Blogger ate 1/2 this post! Here's a close approximation of how it looked originally.

I'm very flattered to have four posts nominated for JIB awards.
1) In the best post category.
A) My post about Jewish Debt - which is really all about the comments
B) My post about my rejection from seminary called "Nothing Special" maybe I should have called it "A life MORE ordinary" now that would have been a good title!

Speaking of titles thanks to everyone who pointed out the errors in the title of my towel post. Although it's incorrect I'm going to leave it as-is for now because I think it has a nice ring to it. Call it artistic license.

2) In the humor category
A) My post introducing the world to Hot Chanie
B) My guest post at the Muqata about those dangerous 18 minutes before Shabbos

Click on the links and check em out. You can even vote for them if you like... no pressure.
As you'll soon see the trouble is that I'm competing against myself for both of them! So a vote for one of my post is really a vote AGAINST another of my posts. Honestly I don't understand the whole system - how can I be a finalist in the humor category when my brotha Psychotoddler* has more votes than I do even when running against the behemoth that is Dry Bones?!

*No, Psychotodder is not really my brother. That's why I spelled it with an "a" it's all about nuance people.

The natural declination of the bath towel

2007-04-30T11:52:00.000-04:00

1. The bath towel arrives as a gift - perhaps it was a wedding present or gift from a relative who has recently stayed at your house and was unimpressed by the worn Scooby Doo beach towel left neatly folded on the end of her bed.

2. The towel(s) stay in it's box a while sure they look nice, maybe a little too nice. Then there is always the question of washing them... Should you wash them before using them? Who wants to wash a new towel? Not me. Probably they should be washed seperately too, in case they bleed. No thanks, I'll wait.

3. Finally the day arrives when the towels are removed from the box - usually it's because all the other towels are in use or in the laundry. Of course with a so many towels ahead of it in line for the washer it's just going straight into service- manufacturers directions be damned.

4. Once this towel is properly washed and dried it becomes the ultimate towel. For guests only and occasionally the grownups of the house. When someone spills punch all over the carpet and you yell for one of the kids to bring a towel THIS is the towel they will bring you. Continue yelling until they bring you a different towel.

5. After a year or so the novelty will wear off and this towel will join the general population as a "good towel" still good enough for guests but it's up for grabs, who ever gets it gets it.

6. Many, MANY washings later this towel is now sub par. Not for guests, and the last choice for showers. It is now free to travel - to the play room for tea parties, to school as part of a king achashverosh costume, and to the beach.

7. When a towel gets to level seven get a large sharpie marker and write your last name on the edge in huge letters. This officially makes it a camp towel, and even though you only have a 50% of seeing it at the end of the summer the act of writing your name on it means you have made an effort. Camp towels can also be used to soak up punch from the couch as needed.

8. Should the towel return home from camp until the end of the summer (or summers if you are VERY lucky) your towel can now be cut up into rags for dusting or shoe polishing.
My mother once commented that my rags were "too raggy"
My response?
"And people say you are critical! HA!"

9. After that there's nothing left to do but toss them out.

The End

List Week!

2007-04-30T08:52:00.000-04:00

I love lists- making them, reading them, crossing things off.
It's a very direct form of writing and a big help to me in my daily life because although I aspire to be an organized person, by nature I am not.
In fact, I'm surprised I have not written about lists before on the blog since they are so much a part of my day-to-day life.

So this week I am dedicating my blog to all things list!
I'm all excited now, so let's get things started right away:

THE LIST OF LIST RELATED THINGS I PLAN TO BLOG ABOUT THIS WEEK:
(in no particular order)

The art of the shopping list
Things I've learned from the flood(s) in my basement
A list of my JIB nominations and my feelings about them
The natural declination of the bath towel
Types of Hot Chanies I've encountered since writing about them
Things NOT to say to your wife in bed
Religious/Cultural issues I struggle with
List of old posts that continue to get hits and some guesses about why they do

OK I'd better stop now before the list gets just a little too ambitious, after all part of the art of list making is knowing when to stop.

-Shifra

Awww... you shouldn't have!

2007-04-18T22:36:00.000-04:00

It's Monday, and it's been a whole week since I've posted.
I don't like to use my blog as a place to whine and complain (although I'll admit to having done so in the past) so I chose to not post for a bit and concentrate on my bass playing, and shop vac-ing, and carpet tearing out, skills instead. Sufficed to say that my basement is still a mess, and I'm still not insured, and I'm still no Mark Skier.

HOWEVER.... here's some that cheered me up: JIB NOMINATIONS!
Did you know that I've been nominated for best personal blog, best humor blog, and a few best post nominations besides?!
Thanks guys! Go ahead and vote for me if you like.

Now, I understand that there has been some controversy surrounding these awards but I'm just out of the loop enough to NOT know exactly what that controversy is (feel free to enlighten me but please, don't get all hostile, I like to keep it friendlylike in the comments section.)

GLUB!

2007-04-16T12:30:00.000-04:00

It really needs to stop raining.

The horrible oily water in my basement is at 8" and rising.
In addition I couldn't get in to work today because of flooding and my desk is probably covered in about 8" of paperwork as well.

OK no time to blog... See you... sometime.

Pesach Wrap Up

2007-04-12T08:37:00.000-04:00

Whew!
I'm back. Pesach was nice... a little too much time away from home, specifically a little too much time in close proximity with relatives (I'll not be doing that again anytime soon) but overall a good break.

I'm got a lot to catch up on at work so just a few things to tide you over for now.

Chavi Kaufman at the Seder

Chavi: Zaidy? Why do we have the afikoman?
Zaidy: (offers a brief explaination) ...and when the Bais Hamikdash is rebuilt the afikoman will once again be replaced by the korbon Pesach!
Chavi: Wow! ....but how do you hide a whole lamb?

Kurt Vonnegurt

One of my favorite writers, and one of the biggest influences on my own writing, has passed away today. Please take a few minutes read this simple but effective essay on writing which I was fortunate to come across in my teenage years.
I think it's some of the best writing advice I've ever received.

Don't Debate and Drive

2007-03-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

OK, I know I said I was not going to be blogging but here's a quick question from the comments section:

Ask Shifra time, here's the scenario:
Two young couples dining at a restaurant. They leave and get in the car. The guys are involved in a heated political argument, so the guys get in up front to continue their discussion/argument.As the driver (we'll call him Bob) backs up, he asks the other guy (Joe) if it's clear. Joe is pondering how to convince Bob that Global Warming is real, and he quickly says: "Yeah, clear"Bob backs right into a Dumpster. Crash. Broken tail light, scraped fender.Later, Joe's girlfriend tells him he should help Bob pay for the repair. Joe says "Yeah, right." Should Joe help pay for the repair? Is he obligated to do so?If he doesn't pay, should his girlfriend secretly send Bob some cash? Or would that be bad for her future as Mrs. Joe?

OK first let me say that I do not want the comments section to become a debating ground for the topic of global warming. It upsets me enough to think about the waste, pollution, and conspicuous consumption that goes on in this country without having to hear about how global warming is all a big lie/left wing conspiracy and therefore, with that bit of self-righteous comfort in our pockets, we should feel free to pollute all we like since other countries are doing it anyway and of course the earth has endless resources and is completely self healing and we'll all be dead in another 70 years so who cares....
OK? So none of that.
Ahem.

Back to the situation at hand, here's my take:
Bob was depending on Joe to give him reliable advice about what was behind him, and in his failure to do so essentially caused the accident. Had Joe been lost in thought and said nothing at all he would not have been liable but since he went ahead and replied "yeah, clear" it seems to me that he should own up to his responsibility.
Now, I don't know Joe, but he does seem like a bit of a jerk in this situation - first giving bad advice and then not offering to at least help pay for the accident he caused. The future Mrs. Joe, while well meaning, should not step in to clean up Joe's mess behind his back, I think it sets a bad precedent on many levels. If I were the future Mrs. Joe I would try to have a serious talk with him about it. To me the unwillingness to be held accountable for one's own mistakes is certainly a red flag when it comes to choosing a spouse.

Where's Shifra?

2007-03-19T08:56:00.000-04:00

I know some of my readers get a little worried when I don't show up here on the blog for a while. I just wanted to let you know that I'm fine, just spread a little too thin right now.
I'll leave the comment section open but I wouldn't expect to hear much from me until after Pesach. I hope you'll return for begining of "Ask Shifra Season Three" in mid-April.

Chag kasher v'sameach to all of you and thanks for reading.
I'll see you April 16th if not sooner.

-Shifra

A Day in the Life of Shifra Circa 2056

2007-03-11T12:58:00.000-04:00

My morning or a scary scary look into the future?
You decide.

Wake up
Cough and Hack copiously
Yell at kids for playing the stereo too loud
Make tea
Shuffle around house in bathrobe
Get into argument with family member over misheard comment
Cough and Hack
Prepare Breakfast
Yell at kids for playing the TV too loud
Mutter to self
Cough, hack, and spit!
Do a bit of house work
Sit down and rest
Cough and Hack
Haul self to neighborhood pharmacy for expectorant
Consider getting a haircut at salon next to pharmacy
Read posted price list: "Women's Cut and style $40 and up"
Mutter to self
Leave without explanation
Cough and Hack
Go home
Lie Down

A good day for....

2007-03-05T13:06:00.000-05:00

Today is a good day for:

Drinking cough syrup straight from the bottle (if I did that sort of thing... which I don't... OK?)
Complaining about my Mother in Law (if I wasn't worried about being discovered)
Going to the movies (if I didn't have to work)
Taking a nap (if I had the time)
Serving leftovers for dinner (and you know I will)
Hugging my kids (like everyday)
Sneaking some shalach manos candy even though you told the kids no one could have anymore
(come on, I know I'm not the only one)
Getting back to normal (at least until the Pesach prep begins)

OK I'm feeling better now. You are all welcome to resume commenting.

Overload or I Vant to be Alone

2007-03-05T09:16:00.000-05:00

This past week has been a little overwhelming for me.
Sick kids, plumbers, cooking, cleaning, junk food, and a house full of company all weekend long.
It was nice but too much work and I'm beat.
I totalled it up: I spent 10-11 hours between Friday morning and Sunday night just doing dishes.
JUST DISHES!!!

Anyway I've never been so happy to just sit down here at work and just do my job in peace and quiet.

Don't even leave me any comments this time. Just let me bask in the serenity of a nice quiet empty blog.

Love,
Shifra

Parenting Tip

2007-02-27T08:58:00.000-05:00

Here's a parenting tip for you.
Tell your children they are never to flush ANYTHING (other than the obvious and a small amount of toilet paper) down the toilet.

Last night Chavi decided to see what would happen if she sent a paper cup swirling down the drain. Even after snaking the toilet and cleaning the whole bathroom it seems the problem is still not quite resolved (or dissolved as the case may be.) So I was up at 5AM to give it a second try and now it looks like I'll need to call a plumber - I have a bunch of jobs for a plumber though so it will be a worthwhile call.

In her defense Chavi said "But you never told me not to flush paper cups down the toilet!"
Which is sad but true.

Parents, don't let this happen to you!

Thank you.

PS Elie, do you have the number for a decent plumber?

Nothing Special

2007-02-22T10:05:00.000-05:00

Rabbi Horowitz has posted an article that really spoke to me. Actually most of his posts speak to me but this one really hit close to my heart but not for the reasons you might think.

In his post he writes about the plight of the "average" yeshiva student and the difficulties parents and children are having when it comes to gaining admission to "good" or "excellent" yeshivos. He tells the story of one wonderful but underrated boy to bring home his point but I'm sure that both Rabbi Horowitz and many of my readers know that the problem is far wider in scope than the mesivta yeshiva system. There are girls in Israel who cannot find a high school to attend, Bais Yaakovs, Yeshiva High schools, and seminaries send out scores of rejections every year. It's not just a "Jewish" problem either. The demand for nothing but excellence is so strong that college rejections are also at an all time high. In fact Harvard has decided to stop accepting early admissions applications to cut down on rejections and level the playing field a bit.

Of course as a parent I worry for my children. I want them to have a first rate education in a caring and enjoyable environment surrounded by "good" kids. I also want them to have a childhood, have time to relax, and be happy. But even those worries aren't what hit me the hardest when I read Rabbi's Horowitz's article. You see, I was an average child.

I attended a fairly right wing high school although my parents are your standard "oldschool orthodox" serious about Torah, learned, and shtick free. They felt I'd been a bit brainwashed in high school and felt a quick trip to college would be the best way to straighten me out. The school however, was selling a year in seminary and I was buying! If I could get into a great school, I figured my parents would have to let me go.

I listened carefully to the Rabbis who came to pitch their schools. I knew my skills weren't what they should be when it came to learning. I was always quite smart but learning disabled (undiagnosed at that point but the fact remained that reading Hebrew was a real struggle for me) and it kept me from being in the top classes despite my effort. That said my grades were decent (again not excellent) and I had a very good breadth and depth of knowledge and genuinely enjoyed learning. All of my teachers liked me (except Mrs. S. because I once ate an orange in her class "Do you sink I don't SEE you eating zat ORANGE in my class!?" she hissed at me. But I digress...) I was a youth group leader, I visited the nursing home every week, and was a peer counselor to the younger girls in the school. I was never in trouble, stayed away from boys, and was rock solid emotionally. I was involved in school projects, the paper, and other extracurricular activities.
I foolishly thought I had a chance.

One day a Rabbi came from a fairly well known seminary in Israel. He gave a good dvar torah and then talked about his seminary. He said that he found many seminaries were too focused on grades. What he wanted was special girls, girls with good midos, girls with potential.
That's me!! I thought He wants me!

There was a $50 non-refundable application fee which I didn't have, and I couldn't ask my parents for. Five friends gave me $10 each, knowing I wouldn't be able to pay them back (even with uniforms you can tell who has money and who doesn't.) I went to my interview with high hopes. The Rabbi barely spoke to me - I could have told him about my hobbies, my sick brother, my family, my interests but no, he wanted me to read a huge Ramban - cold.
I couldn't do it. I tried. I choked. I was not accepted.

I went to the vice-principal's office and cried on his desk. I told him about my parents, and the speech, and the Ramban, and the $50 dollars.
"I was tricked" said a very naive 15 year old Shifra "I was lied to! I'm so much more than an Ramban." "I know" said the very wonderful Rabbi behind the desk "you should tell him."
So I did!!! I wrote him a letter telling the Seminary Rabbi my story. About my life, about how his speech gave me hope which he crushed, and about the $50 I'd like back if he never actually intended to accept a "girl with potential." The vice principal even reviewed my letter, and I sent it.

When he got the letter he called my Vice Principal and asked him what kind of place he is running with such "vindictive students" who have so much "chutzpah and disrespect for authority." Even as the Vice Principal was telling me this horrible story I could tell he was so proud of me and even in the depths of my despair that gave me something to hold on to.

Since then there have been a lot of things I've not been good enough for most notably my mother-in-law who reviewed my "credentials" and pronounced me "nothing special"
which certainly hurt and still does.

This post was a lot more personal and certainly a lot more painful to write than most things I put up here but the question I'm trying to ask here is: What is this "excellence" everyone is seeking?

Does it require us to force our kids to take extra classes, sports, tutoring, and music lessons to give them that "edge" they need to get ahead or do we need to look deeper into the hearts of our children and see their inner beauty, their natural gift and personalities and help them to develop what is special about them rather than force them into someone else's idea of perfection.
Although I'm crying as I type this post I will tell you that I really like who I am today. I am a unique, smart, talented, and passionate person and that makes me special and perhaps even excellent. I am truly blessed that no amount of judgement or pressure to the contrary has forced me to lose that spark that makes me who I am and I wish the same for my children and yours.

The Good the Bad and the Bogus

2007-02-20T09:17:00.001-05:00

As you may recall last Shabbos I decided to take it easy.
This Shabbos however I pulled out all the stops. We had lots of guests, the house was sparkling (or as close to sparkling as a 100 year old house full of secondhand furniture can look) I baked challah, made loads of good food, and set the table with our best dishes and silverware.
"Wow" my oldest said "It looks great in here! We should do this EVERY Shabbos!"
"Well" I said "I like it this way too, but it's a lot of work you know, if I had a little help from you and your sister it would be a lot easier..."
"Because you know" my daughter continued ignoring me entirely "every Shabbos two malachim (angels) come to your house a good malach and a bad malach..."
"What?" I asked "I've heard about the two angels but I never knew one was bad..."
"So these angels they come to your house and see what's going on and it's really nice like today the good one says 'It should be like this every week!' and the bad one has to say Amen. But if lets say you serve chicken from the STORE on PAPER PLATES then the bad malach says 'HA HA! it should be like this every week!' and the good malach has to say Amen. So then it's going to keep being like that."
"It's true!" my younger daughter chimed in "I learned that too!"

I learned a lot of things from that exchange. I learned that my children really appreciate the difference between a fancy shabbos and a plain one and that they like the fancy one better (which is not necessarily what I would have expected.) That being the case, I've learned that it's time that they had specific erev Shabbos chores for which they are responsible. Everyone will appreciate Shabbos more if we work together to make it special - me most of all.
I learned that I'm being judged all the time, by my kids, by the school, and by good and bad angels. I've also learned that just because my children aren't in nursery school anymore it doesn't mean they aren't still taking all the little "morah stories" (medrashim etc...) as seriously as chumash or history. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me as usual.

"Someone Call the Smithsonian!"

2007-02-13T11:17:00.000-05:00

... is not necessarily the first thing you want to hear from the man who has come to look at your furnace.
I knew my furnace wasn't new but I was pretty surprised to find that it is roughly 60 years old. The good news is it's working fine, the bad news is nothing lasts forever.
At least I'll know who to call when it's time to get rid of it.

Does this Count?

2007-02-09T11:15:00.000-05:00

This week I planned to have an easy Shabbos.
I've been doing a lot of cooking lately so I decided not to overdo it this week.
A no frills, no guests weekend, with a little help from the store.

When I got home from work yesterday I had a call on my answering machine from someone I didn't know asking if I would help out by doing some cooking for a family in town that was sitting shiva. She got my name from the Rabbi (which is fine, I like to be called if someone needs me) but only found out about this family at the last minute and wondered if I could prepare "a few dishes" for them. Ugh. I mean... Great! A chesed opportunity!
I really wasn't in the mood but then I thought that if this family didn't have friends in town willing to voluntarily bring them over food for Shabbos they probably could use a hand and some support so I decided to do it. I called back right away (this mental conversation in my head took all of two minutes.)

"Oh that's so nice of you" the woman on the phone said, "but we already have enough volunteers." "OK" I said, and for lack of a closer I ended with "Call again any time." Which I meant, in spite of my better judgement.

Then I did some kind of a funky end zone dance and gave my husband a high five which probably wasn't really appropriate considering that someone just died and I got out of cooking for their family because I got home from work late.

So the question is: If I was willing, despite my initial reluctance, to go ahead and cook for this family even though I didn't end up doing it does it count for anything or did I throw away all my schar when I hung up the phone and yelled "YES!"

Oh well, I'm sure they'll call again.

The Shins, Mating Raccoons, Bass Guitar, and Joint Compound

2007-02-05T09:08:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy weekend and today should prove to be just as packed but I seem to be having trouble getting started so before I get down to the business of working let me tell you what I've learned this weekend:

The Shins have a new album out. I try never to judge an album before I've listened to it four or five times but so far I like it, it's quirky. I'm not a huge fan of every song so far but I've already got three favorites so that's pretty good right out of the gate. Note: Don't try to understand the lyrics, they don't make any sense.

On Saturday morning while drinking my instant coffee (blech) and contemplating the stack of dishes in my sink from the night before, I caught site of a plump midsized raccoon wandering around the back of my yard. Since it was daytime I was a little concerned. Aren't raccoons nocturnal? Could this little fellow be rabid? Soon he was joined by another buddy and the two of them traipsed around my yard and the neighbors yard, up and down trees under fences and behind our garage. By this time my kids were up and watching with fascination as their cereal grew soggy in their bowls. Suddenly my younger daughter called out. "Mommy! The raccoons are fighting!!" Alas, this was not the case. They were, in fact, mating. When I told this to my older daughter she hopped up from the table and with her hands alternately over her ears and eyes yelped "ew eww ewwwww!!! I KNOW what that means!!! EWWWWWW!!"
"What DOES that mean?" asked my younger daughter. "It means they aren't fighting" I said.

I find it hard to spend money on myself generally but sometimes when there is something you really, really want and the stars align in a way that lets you get it, it feels great. Here's my new baby. A fender squire electric bass - I have in black of course, to match all my skirts (like a good Jewish girl.)

The kitchen project is back ON! A few days before Rosh Ha'Shana I ripped down all the ugly wallpaper in my kitchen with plans to paint it quickly before the holidays started. Little did I know there was a REASON the previous owners chose wallpaper. The walls were a wreck and I'd already purchased $80 worth of non-returnable paint! I gave up on the whole things for a while but thanks to some helpful old guy at the hardware store and the product shown above I've got the kitchen on the road to repair and it's looking pretty good if I don't say so myself!

OK that's all folks. I've got work to do!

What's (not) Wrong with this Picture

2007-01-30T17:00:00.000-05:00

Do you remember the days before all playground equipment was covered in foam rubber, and children did not dress like miniature adults?
It wasn't so long ago that the world didn't seem like such a scary place.

In those days a heavy steel plate with bars which could accommodate a small horde of squealing children (and still more pushing the contraption around and around) was considered good safe fun. Today it would be called a screaming metal death-trap.

Little girls were allowed to wear pants or jeans (or slacks and dungarees as they were called in my house) which allowed them to hang upside-down freely from the monkey bars without showing the world their underpants. They didn't have to worry about tripping on their hems or ripping their tights or figuring out how to keep their dresses down while riding a bike. They also didn't fear being labeled or considered unfit for shiduchim.

Where I grew up kids played outside unsupervised until suppertime. My children have too much homework to get through to spend hours running around outdoors, even if it were considered safe enough to allow them to roam the block alone.

Has the world changed that much in 25 years or have we just become more fearful?

ROTFL! (for real)

2007-01-19T10:42:00.000-05:00

Thursday night can be a stressful time for a lot of frum women. Suddenly, on top of everything else and at the end of a tiring week, they are expected to churn out two top-shelf meals and get the house cleaned up all in one night!
(Yes, I know there are husbands who do all the cooking and cleaning, a wide variety of kosher takeout options, and cleaning ladies for hire - but this blog is about MY life, so work with me here people!)

When we lived in an apartment we had neighbors who would have a huge, loud, fight each and every Thursday night and even I'll admit that if something goes wrong on a Thursday night it doesn't take much to set me off. I once, many years ago, accidentally spilled an entire stock pot of freshly cooked chicken soup down the drain and cried for well over an hour.

I think, however, I've found the sure for Thursday night stress.
Extreme laughter.

Most people who use text or instant messaging have seen the acronym ROTFL appear on the screen at some point. It stands for "Rolling On the Floor Laughing" but is usually meant to indicated something you found VERY funny. While I've seen many people crack up laughing in my day, actual rolling on the floor with laughter happens a lot less frequently in real life than thost letters appear on the screen.

When it does happen though it feels great!

Last night my husband and I were in the kitchen getting some things ready for Shabbos when he suddenly launched into a version of REM's "Shiny Happy People" which he reworked to do describe some persnickety people we both know. Something to the effect of "Grumpy Cranky People pointing fingers" honestly I don't even remember most of his impromptu lyrics but they were so funny I just couldn't breathe. I had been mixing up a batch of carrot muffins at the table and I had to just sit down on the floor I was laughing so hard but he didn't stop.
By the time I was laying down on the floor laughing so hard my stomach hurt my husband was completely cracking up just from watching me laugh.

Even though our night started off stressfully (unexpected guests we couldn't say no to etc...) that ten minutes of laughter really made my night. Everything got done (almost) and we had a really nice night. I only hope he can come up with some new material for next week.

Writing Kefira is EASY!!!

2007-01-14T00:03:00.000-05:00

To test out my theory on blogger tells I wrote this piece of machshava (to use the term VERY loosely) to be published anonymously on the famous "XGH" blog which is known for wide variety of hashafic outlooks and the frequent beating of dead horses.

Sadly it received this automated reply:
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately it is not a fit with our current needs. However, I will keep it on file and will be sure to contact you should my needs change.
Thank you for you interest in XGH and good luck in your search for a blog on which to host your post.

So I'll post it here instead in the interest of not wasting.
Would you have known it was me?
BTW Writing kefira is a cinch! If I had to do it over I'd definitely rethink this whole advice blog business!

GUEST POST

[Note: For this post I’m going to make the large assumption that you believe in God. If you don’t, it’s not going to make a lot of sense… Then again, maybe it won’t anyway!]

The problem with most religious indoctrination is that it happens before you are old enough to think for yourself.

Do you really still want to believe in the Santa Clause God you learned about in pre-school? He’s here, He’s there He’s everywhere!! He’s listening to our prayers, healing the sick, and making every blade of grass grow. All this attention to detail, and never a mention of his possible involvement in worldwide tragedies, genocides, and natural disasters.

But then again, four year olds are not allowed to stay up to watch the 11 O’ clock news are they?

It all goes down as easy as warm milk at bedtime.

But did you know that there are between 30 and 50 million lactose intolerant adults in the US alone?

Coincidence? Maybe.

Non sequitur? Yeah, Pretty much.

This crux of the matter is that you can't have it both ways – either God is micromanaging both the good and evil in this world or he isn’t, but perhaps those are not the only options.

Imagine the world was a hi-rise apartment building in Manhattan.

Who would God be?

The Architect

Sure he built that building! He has the schematics in his basement and will proudly show them to his friends when they come over for dinner. The building isn’t always on his mind; after all it is not the only thing he’s ever done. Still, whenever he is in town he can’t resist taking a peek at it to see how his baby is holding up, and once in a blue moon he gets a call from the owner to ask about the structural feasibility of removing an I-Beam to please a very wealthy and demanding tenant.

The Architect/Owner

Not only did this talented fellow build the building, he is that rare breed that owns it as well. Because he knows every detail and poured his very essence into each girder and rivet he keeps a close watch on everything. If there is a kid picking at the wallpaper in the hallway on the 19^th floor, he’ll be dealt with promptly. If any big changes need to be made he will be the one directing it all. From evictions, to partial demolitions, to re-grouting the bathroom tile in 28C he knows and controls all.

The Lazy Superintendent

This old salt sure has a lot of stories to tell… Did you know he was around when this building first went up? Well he was! They couldn’t have done it without him to hear him tell it.

These days though he’s got a bit of a gut on him and he spends most days watching TV on an old black and white set in the basement. Occasionally he takes a peek at building’s security camera but mostly just to check out the women. He generally keeps things at the status quo unless someone really gets on his case. He can occasionally be swayed by tears or ~~an animal sacrifice~~ a carton of cigarettes. Once in a while he gets inspired to start up a big conversation with someone or do some major renovations but most of the time he’s pretty much invisible.

As an adult it should be impossible to look at someone in power and only see the good that he does (unless your only news source is Pravda or you are a Republican lackey) and as humans it would be natural for us to want find that leader accountable for his actions or inactions.

Does this mean we should go around making up our own little reasons for why things happen, or telling people we think they are sinners by comforting them with the Jewish expression “it should be an atonement” in their darkest hours?

Maybe we’re just giving the super too much credit.

Gratuitous Linking

2007-01-12T09:13:00.000-05:00

This, is for always having something new to for me to read or watch in the middle of the night if I can't fall back to sleep.

Thanks Jack!

Blogging "Tells"

2007-01-11T09:34:00.000-05:00

In poker, a tell is a detectable change in a player's behavior or demeanor that gives clues to that player's assessment of their hand. Behaviors that may exhibit tells include leaning forward or back, placing chips with more or less force, fidgeting, changes in breathing or tone of voice, facial expressions, direction of gaze or actions with the cards, chips and any cigarettes or drinks. A player gains an advantage if he observes another player's tell, particularly if the tell is unconscious and reliable. Some players may fake tells, hoping to induce their opponents into making mistakes based on the false tell.(WIKIPEDIA)

The blogging world is a weird one: aliases and screen names, fighting for justice from behind a monitor, and telling your deepest secrets to total strangers are all commonplace activities.
Sometimes I think we're all a little messed up. Lately there has been a new phenomenon which I'll call double-blind blogging, even thought thats not really the right words for it. I'm talking about new anonymous mini-blogs like the Hot Channie blog (spawned by snappy catch phrase on my blog) and the Dov Weasel blog (designed to bring down the bear by exposing instances of sentence lifting and plagiarism.)

Most bloggers I've spoken to assume that these new adept bloggers, who seem both technically Savvy and very aware of who's who in the J-blogging world must really be other bloggers in disguise. Based on that assumption they try to figure out who it might be (even if their detective work will only take them as far as their usual blog alias. )

Who is on their email list? Who's blogs do the quote? What is their level of technical skill on the web? What is their writing style, temperament, target audience...
Who would have the time to maintain two blogs?

Basically people are looking for tells.
While I'm not the author of the Hot Channie or Dov Weasel blog (and I don't know who they are so stop asking me already people) I was thinking a lot about my own personal writing "tells" and whether or not I could hide them. I'll confess to commenting just a few times under another fake name when telling something too personal or saying something just so snarky I didn't want it traced back to me. I'd guess most of us have done it at some time or another.

So what would be my giveaways....
Well, I tend to use dashes when commas would do (that's an easy fix.)
I also use ellipsis (ellipses?) you know those marks for parenthetical statements?... like they are going out of style. That would be a much harder habit to break.
I use the words "although" and "however" constantly but I suppose if I was adopting another persona I might try to write in a less subtle way and just foist my untempered opinion on the world. I'm also not much of a speller or an editor when I'm blogging or commenting in a hurry (like today) but I'd be more meticulous if I was trying to hide my identity.

What do you think your "tells" are?
What do you think about these mysteries wrapped in enigmas?

Tell all in the comments!

My Kinda Synergy

2007-01-08T12:09:00.000-05:00

I work in an environment where phrases like "core competencies," "due diligence," and "intellectual capital" are thrown around like banana peels in the monkey house. Somehow though, when two things you love come together to make something special, "synergy" is just the word you need.

I've been watching and listening to these clever little Dunkin' Donuts spots on the radio and television for a while now (Click on "Fritalian" for one of my favorites - I can't seem to get the video link to work) and I don't know how I did not realize that this is the work of one of my all time favorite duos, They Might Be Giants!

TMBG and Dunkin' Donuts coffee together?! Life is too good!!
Quick! Someone pass me the monthly reports! I think I have the intellectual capital we need to fix our lack of due diligence in our core competencies thus maximizing our projected growth and sustaining our equity model!

PS That's two coffee posts so far this month! I think I need a refill.

(not a) Shop Girl

2007-01-04T09:24:00.000-05:00

My friend Miriam likes to shop, but I don't.

I don't know if it's my tight budget, my unusual taste in clothes, a lack of time, or the frustration I experience trying to find something to wear that is modest without being frumpy looking that does it for me, but I've always avoided the mall as much as possible.

Sometimes though you've got to do what you've got to do. And if your boots are coming apart at the soles and your coat is frayed at the edges and has holes in in the cuffs and pockets then what you have to do is... go shopping. Its a good time of year to shop too if you must. Most winter items are discounted and the holiday shopping rush is over.

As I was about to try on some boots a woman came over to me and asked to see some Nikes in a size 9. Since I have not been shopping without my kids in a while (I prefer to shop online for myself when I can) I had almost forgotten that I suffer from a rare affliction called shopgirlosis.

Since I was about 18 years old anytime I've been shopping alone - or left to wander the racks by myself even for a few minutes- I've been mistaken for a store employee.
It doesn't matter what I'm wearing - a skirt and sweater, business suit, sneakers, sheitel, hat etc... at least once while perusing the racks or on my way to the dressing room someone calls out or approaches me:

"Excuse me miss, do you have this in a size 8"
"Would you put this is the dressing room for me?"
"Do you keep the slippers in the shoe department or in sleepwear?"

For years I've been trying to figure out what leads people to believe I work at Macy's or Sears or Old Navy. It might be that I tend to smile when people approach me with a question confirming their initial assumption that yes, my sole reason for being is to check the back room for the sweater of their dreams.
It might also be that I am always careful to put things back on the rack that I took them from. I know it's a lot of work to keep a department in order so if I take something off the rack to get a closer look I'll do my best to return it properly.
My friend G suggests that perhaps I have a "retail face" but I think he's just kidding. Anyway I'm Jewish, if ANYTHING I should have a "wholesale face."

Truthfully, I don't really mind it. A brief "Oh sorry, I don't work here." Takes care of things quickly enough. It's just so odd! I wish I could figure out what causes it.

Does this ever happen to you or is it just me?

Coffee Quiz

2007-01-02T09:54:00.000-05:00

Q. When when did this blog become a repository of links and miscellany with no creative or substantial content?

A. Since I got sick for two weeks and fell behind on EVERYTHING.

I'm catching up... bear with me.
In the meantime take this vicious little coffee quiz and post your results in the comments!

Real Men of Genius

2006-12-26T13:28:00.000-05:00

I read somewhere recently that men are funnier than women, but that it is biologically necessary because humor is one of man's most essential tools when it comes to "getting the girl."
Well, here are two men who are definitely bringing their A-game to the blogs this week.

How do you know when a scandal is almost over? When it become satire of course!
Still Wonderin has deftly woven that sow's (or bear's) ear into a silk purse for us here.

But wait there's more!
Krum has just what you need - the Chanuka-izer! Not (yet) sold in any stores!
It "converts" standard Christmas themed television into haimish fun for the whole family.
Be sure to help him out with the programming in the comments section.

Good Things

2006-12-26T09:25:00.000-05:00

Hey,

Thanks for your patience.
I've been under the weather.
I can't believe I blogged about Christmas and not at all about Chanuka but these things happen.
As I've been starting to feel better I've been thinking about the good things in life.
You know those little things that make life just a little sweeter?
Here are a few of my picks:

The Microsoft Natural Keyboard

I LOVE this baby. Sure it takes a little getting used to but I find it helps me type faster - avoid the back and forth from the keyboard to the mouse (programable shortcut keys!) and it has completely eliminated that shooting pain I used to get from my wrist to my shoulder after about an hour at the computer.

Mega Headphones

Sure I look like a dork, but at least I can't hear it when you tell me about it.

Chai Tea with Milk

Smells wonderful, tastes like cookies, almost no calories.

The Oxford Dictionary

This is easily the best dictionary I've ever owned. Clever essays by famous wordsmiths and other worldplay treats sprinkled thoughout the book. At my house we just leave it out, it's always in use.

Gmail
Gmail rocks - effortless chat, emails saved as conversations with copied text removed, unlimited space and filter searches make it a pleasure to use. Sure all that saved data makes me nervous but then again it should... shouldn't it?

What little things do you love?
Share them with me in the comments.

Your Own Personal (Inflatable) Jesus

2006-12-14T08:56:00.000-05:00

I don't care if it rains or freezes
'Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far

-George Cromarty and Ed Rush

It's only December 14th and I am already quite sick of the Christmas season.
One think I do like, however, are Christmas decorations.
I love the light displays the trees the ornaments, ribbons, and pine bowes and all that. It's festive and keeps winter nights from seeming too bleak.

Of course, I've never been too keen on the nativity scene... um ... scene. I prefer a more secular theme for this winter holiday. I've also lost my taste for those giant inflatable yard decorations which seemed kind of clever a few years ago now seem down right lame since some people (and yes, I mean you family that lives on my corner) starting literally filling their yards with 6 foot snow globes, 8 foot Santas (popping in and out of the chimney) and 12 foot statues of Frosty the Snowman.

So, when I saw the inflatable nativity scene (mind you the one in the photo is pretty tame, the one I saw had the full cast and a twelve foot manger!) on a lawn in a friend's neighborhood. I was completely blown away!

Congratulations on winning the Tackiest Xmas Decoration of the Season Award Mr. and Mrs.
McChristmastine! You've earned it!

Work Worries

2006-12-13T12:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Shifrah,

I am tired of my current job. But it's not just my job, I'm tired of my entire field (technology related). I feel like I want to do something else entirely, a mid life career change. I have a wife and children so I can't take too many risks though. Any advice?

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous -

I like how you spelled my name. That extra "h" at the end is kind of pretty but I still think Steg's "Xifra" is my alltime favorite.

OK OK fine- back to caring about other people and their problems...

Honestly, your problem is my problem as well.
I too work in a field that isn't meaningful to me but it is stable and allows me to do things I enjoy like eat, and put gas in my car. I think I read somewhere that Americans change careers many times over the course of their working lives- but you'll have to take my word on that, I don't have enough time research those statistics today.

To begin with, I think the question to ask yourself is "What am I passionate about?"
If you are already employed but unsatisfied with either the work, the environment, or the money you are making, you need to think about what kind of work you would find more satisfying.

If there is something you've always wanted to do maybe now if the right time to start thinking about it. If you've always wanted to own a sporting good store, or be a journalist start looking into it - what kind of training and/or capital will it take to get things rolling? Can you try your hand at it on a part time basis while you hold on to your old job? Talk to people in the field see what they think. Of course once you are in a position of responsibility it is hard to make big changes. If you are currently a high paid lawyer who wants to join the peace corps there may be some compromises in your future.

Once you figure out what you really want, and if it seems realistic in terms of the lifestyle you want to maintain, be sure to include your spouse in the planning- if you plan to get your MBA at night or pour your savings into opening a Burger Nosh in Omaha you will need her support.

To sum up:
Big changes don't happen overnight and they don't happen by accident.
Find your path, make a plan, include your spouse, and good luck!!

Keep me posted.

-Shifra

Look Down!

2006-12-13T10:03:00.000-05:00

Due to my lack of posting it seems that my friend Air Time has taken it upon himself to start up a story in the comments section of the post below.
Although it's quite random and unexpected (much like the man himself) I like it.

Go ahead and join in - there is nothing happening up here right now anyway :-)

-Shifra

Promises Promises

2006-12-06T09:04:00.000-05:00

It's Wednesday and I've promised to post something.

To begin with, I'd like to let everyone know that I'm just fine. I've been traveling quite a bit with very limited internet access. None of this travel is what I'd really call leisure time but it was all for good reasons (family, special events, etc...)

I had an email conversation with another blogger yesterday and she said that the longer you put off blogging the harder it is to come back and it's true. After a break you really want to have something to say and nothing seems quite good enough.

So I think I'll do a bit of a mix n' match post just to get back into the swing of things.

A Busman's Holiday - My mother used this expression recently and I really liked it. I don't know how I've missed it all these years. It basically sums up my last couple of weeks - lots of driving, housekeeping, paperwork, Bureaucracy, and childcare.

The Anti-Shifra - This weekend I got to spend a lot of time with my four year old nephew. He's a sweetie and always calls me Anti-Shifra (his way of saying Auntie Shifra I suppose) It's very cute. Makes me think about my identity a bit especially in relation to blogging. Who is the real Shifra (the online version or the 3D one) and who is the Anti-Shifra?

Other Shifras - OK it's true I've been known to google myself. I've been tracking myself as Ask Shifra (I don't have much of a profile online as my real self) and I'm please to report that I'm google's #1 Shifra and have been for a long time now. Google's number #2 Shifa intrigues me -
we seem to have a number of things in common (although I'm not allergic to so many things) and I've been thinking of emailing her "Hey #2, let's be friends!" but it just seemed too random. Maybe she checks her sitemeter though (if she has one) and will find ME through this post.

In Search Of - What would an Ask Shifra post be without a short anecdote?
I recently attended a dinner with my family where my brother spoke (about his medical history and his miraculous recovery (still in progress) among other things. There was also a semi-famous Rabbi who spoke quite well. After the dinner my grandmother (who was also in attendance) mysteriously disappeared. One moment she was with us the next she was gone. After waiting about ten minutes we all split up and started searching the place. My brother and I ran up the stairs together to look for her and when we got to the top floor we were told that my grandmother was now safely in the car with my father. As we quickly walked down the stairs to find my brothers wife (who we had instructed to keep watch from the mezzanine) we ran into the semi-famous Rabbi. Recognizing my brother from his speech the Rabbi asked me "Are you his wife?" I replied "No, I'm his sister" and my brother replied "I'm still looking for my wife." to which the Rabbi replied "ah beseras Hashem..." (with God's help...)
My brother looked confused for a second and then I said "No, he's married he's REALLY looking for his WIFE." Too funny.

New Blood - someday, when I update my blogroll I'm going to add Rabbi Horowitz.
DovBear has been singing his praises for a while now but I'd just like to say that that it's a pleasure to read something written by a frum Rabbi who is more interested in solving problems in the frum world than pretending they don't exist! You can even comment on his site because he actually encourages discussion! Amazing.

New Labels - Speaking of normal Rabbis I'd like to offer a couple of new acroynms I've been knocking around:

OO: Oldschool Orthodox - Remember when Rabbis read the newspaper and had college degrees? Remember when kids were encouraged to have carreers and be "well rounded" as well as devoted to the torah? Remember when there wasn't SEPERATE SEATING AT SHUL DINNERS?! Yes, me too.

AO: Angry Orthodox: While still retaining the basic principles and belief systems of traditional Jewish faith these Jews feel that Orthodoxy has turned on them. Between being bankrupted by the yeshiva system, forced to conform by social pressure, and embarressed by rioting Charedim these Jews have become cynical and bitter. See Related: Kalte Litvaks, Orthoprax

Please make yourself comfortable in the comments section - a flight attendant will be bringing the beverage cart around shortly.

Blog Break

2006-11-29T09:10:00.000-05:00

Hey,
Sorry for being such an absentee bloglord lately. My life has been a little too much to handle. Nothing bad, just a lot all at once, so I'm going to need to put the ol' blog on hold for a week or so while I get my act together.

Check back on Dec 6th for some new content.
As always, thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate your patronage.

-Shifra

Hot Chanie Under Fire

2006-11-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

I was all set to type up my analysis for this article when I decided to procrastinate a moment longer by visiting Treppenwitz's blog, when what should I see but... He's SCOOPED me!

Oh well, I suppose I'll have at it anyway but that sort of took the wind out of my sails...

It's too long to post in it's entirety so I'll just give you the highlights. As usual the text from the article is in BOLD while my snarky comments are in stylin' italics.

Married yeshiva students warn against wives' short skirts, tight sweaters
By MATTHEW WAGNER

The heavyweights of the haredi Lithuanian yeshiva world gathered Saturday night in Jerusalem to warn an audience of thousands of male, married yeshiva students that haredi women's dresses are too short, their wigs are too long, and their sweaters, shirts and blouses are too tight.

Did someone say "Hot Chanie?"
I imagine all the men in that meeting mashing their faces against the window panes "Where? Where?"

"Each and every father and husband has an obligation to vigilantly ensure that his wife's and daughters' dress is in accordance with the laws of modesty," read a declaration that was distributed after the meeting.

Vigilantly insure? That sure sounds like another religion I can think of... Maybe they can consult with the Taliban leadership, I think they've got the whole "viligilant insurance of women's modesty" thing nailed down.

.. Single men and women were not invited to attend.

Don't let the women know what's will be expected of them... it will be all the more exciting when they "vigilantly" lay down the law.

Organizers said afterwards that concrete steps to harness haredi buying power would block the "wanton influences" of foreign clothing styles, which are seen as a danger to the haredi community's traditional lifestyle.

Folks, I hate to be the one to tell you, but don't you realize that EVERYTHING is a danger to your lifestyle? I hear they are looking for people to colonize the moon why don't you try setting up a yeshiva there, it's sure to be free of distractions (well, of the Hot Chanie variety anyway a lack of Oxygen might be considered a distraction I supppose.)

"One of the ideas is to provide 'modesty certificates' to those clothing stores that meet our demands," said one of the activists who helped organize the conference in Jerusalem. "Stores without the certificates would be boycotted."

Will this be the kind of boycott that involves torches and pitchforks? That's my favorite kind!

A principal of a haredi high school for girls in Jerusalem who is active in the modesty campaign said that "modesty certificates" are impractical.
"Unlike kosher food, which is governed by clear-cut criteria, modest clothing depends on how it is worn and who wears it," said the principal. "There is an interaction between the body and the piece of clothing."

Might this principal be a woman? That is the only intelligent quote I've read this ENTIRE article. OF COURSE there is a realtionship between fit and body type... this is something that can't be legislated by a tape measure at the shop. A proposal earlier in the article required women to have blouses extending 10cm past the waist of their skirts to avoid their midriff (I love that word) showing when they raised their arms. For animated person like myself that wouldn't quite do it although I'd assume that Charedi women are more subdued.

"But Saturday night's conference sent a clear message to store owners that we are willing to boycott if need be until more modest merchandise is sold."

"Hey, Chaim? Yossi and the guys are getting together for a boycott Saturday night... do you have any gasoline?"

Not since the concerted effort two years ago to outlaw cellular phones among yeshiva students have so many important haredi rabbis and yeshiva heads gathered to provide spiritual guidance for their flock.
The anti-cellular phone campaign forced all the major cellular phone operators to provide the haredi community with special kosher phones that blocked access to Internet and erotic phone calls.

OK so from now on the gedoim will only get together to interfere with your personal life/habits instead of joining together over global issues. Excellent. What's next?

Hat tip to mdmom.

If your boss were an animal....

2006-11-15T14:35:00.000-05:00

If your boss was an animal what animal would he be, and why?

Mine would be a chihuahua because he's small, and has beady eyes.
He darts around the office, making plenty of noise for a creature of his size but accomplishes very little.

Oh and if you leave any snacks within reach, forgettaboutit.

If no animal suits your boss any inanimate object will do as well.

When Meshulachim Attack

2006-11-08T09:09:00.000-05:00

I live a fair distance from the major Jewish areas of the east coast and as such most of our meshulachim are imported. As with most imported goods there is a tax to be paid – in this case the driver who ferries these charity seekers from Brooklyn, Lakewood, the airport? At a cost of 20% of the collectors “take.”

On a recent Sunday afternoon, as my husband and I were preparing to go out to a simcha my younger daughter came running upstairs in a panic yelling “Abba Abba there’s a RABBI in the house!!!”
We have told our daughters MANY MANY times that they are not allowed to open the door for anyone they don’t know, but it seems that in our rushing in and out of the house all day, we’d neglected to lock the door (which happens too often I must confess.)

After practically pushing my husband down the stairs he came down to discover a small older man dressed in black standing in our living room and looking around. “You shouldn’t leave your money out like that” he said to my husband in Hebrew pointing at my husband’s back wallet on the table “someone could take it.”

After that he launched into his hard luck story, actually several stories, about his family, a school he is collecting for, he divorced daughter, etc... As my husband finished writing him out a check I came downstairs to see what was going on, and check our bank balance, when the doorbell rang again. This time it was three more people, who had arrived on the street in the same car as the little Rabbi but opted to strike out on their own in the hopes that my husband wouldn’t divide his weekly donation by four but rather by three after paying the little Rabbi separately. At this point I became fearful that my husband (who was offering them water nice man that he is) would be pressured into giving away the store, causing us problems later in the month. I will consent that it is very hard to make a compelling argument to Tzdaka collectors that you don’t have the money when you are dressed to the nines at 4PM on a Sunday afternoon. So out of guilt he gave them more than was comfortable for us and they still complained. After that I wished them well and closed the door.

I hope and pray that I am never on the other side of that door but can’t there be a way for me to help people without the 20% tax off the top. They all requested that we make out their individual check to the same place – can’t I just send my checks there to avoid having my home invaded weekly by people who are unknown to me and whose stories are not confirmable in the one minute I have to make my decision?

The more this visitors come to my door the colder I begin to feel, I hate that about myself. These people haggle and they argue and are not polite or do they seem grateful (well the little Rabbi did, but then again he also entered my house uninvited and I don’t even think vampires do that!!) It’s like a business, the business of money collecting and I’m not sure that’s an industry I want to support anymore.

A Rare Political Post

2006-11-04T18:01:00.000-05:00

In my 18 months of blogging I've managed to avoid writing about politics entirely.
I rarely comment on political posts and although I do have my opinions I'm non-confrontational and tend to keep them to myself.

But not today.

But I'm so disturbed by two very expensive looking pieces of mail that were dropped in my mail box on Saturday that I just can't help it.

You can check them out for yourself if you like.

Just click and scroll down to learn how the Democratic party is responsible for the Holocaust, and is nothing but a pack of Nation of Islam belonging-Cindy Sheehan type-Radical nutjobs.

And don't ya'll worry about the war in Iraq, government corruptions, taxes, education, healthcare or unemployment. The Republican party knows that Jews in this country have developed some kind of electoral tunnel vision and can only see ONE issue when they vote.
Rest assured that if you vote for a Democrat this Tuesday Israel is as good as gone.

I am disgusted and insulted that not only was this propagana sent out TO my own people but that it was sent out BY my own people.

Ok.. go ahead...I've braced myself for the worst.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

2006-11-02T22:09:00.000-05:00

Today I went down to the cosmetics department of my local Macy's department store.

It's safe now, by the way. They've stopped spraying innocent shoppers with perfume. I'm sure that this change must have been brought about by some kind of allergy related lawsuit but I'm glad the perfume sample lady's reign of terror is finally over. I'm not a big fan of perfume or shopping so having to suffer an eyefull of sweet smelling mace just to get to the missy sportwear department just wasn't worth the bother.

My mission today is to find some makeup to cover up the dark cirles under my eyes.
It's a genetic thing. My grandmother has circles, my mother does, even Bas-Shifra has them. Add in the fact that I never get enough sleep and that the little bit of a tan I got this summer is pretty much history and I start looking like those anemic children you see in horror movies (well around the eyes anyway) at just about this time every year.

I approach the counter and tell the woman what I'm looking for and she begins to dutifully study my complexion and examine the 50 or more bottles of skin toned makeup to see what my perfect color match might be.

Could it be "honey beige," "matte bisque," or "light almond?"
No it could not.
Oh dear let's try "taupe" or "rich nude" (I loved that one!)
No no, not quite right.

Mind you, I know very well what color I am. It's the same every time. Color #01 the first freaking color in the grid. I am, and have always been, the lightest customer that Macys ever expects to meet.

Still, I let the woman try in the hopes that perhaps THIS time I may get to be something more than the wan #01. Could I be #05? Or even just #02? I did go for a couple of lunchtime walks this week and I've been eating a lot of carrots...

Nope - she's found it, good old "pale petal" color #01.
I am, once again, the fairest of them all.

Choi ha'Moed at Six Flags Part two - Section two

2006-10-26T14:07:00.000-04:00

As promised here is yet another snarky report from my trip to Six Flags.

Since I live outside of New York fast food is a rare treat for my family.
Even though it's bad for us and makes us feel ill, we find it very hard to resist the 6-8 times a year we are in sniffing distance of a kosher delight/burger nosh/whatever.

The trip to six flags was no exception. Knowing that there would be kosher food available I broke out of my usual sandwich and snack packing routine and decided that if I was already spending the money to go on this trip I might as well go all the way.

Apparently there is a kosher food booth at Six Flags all summer long, the very same business which provided the food for the NCSY event (both this year and last.)
Last year there was a huge sukka with pre-made burgers, fries, chicken, snacks etc... kept warm (or cool as needed) and ready to buy with very little confusion. Apparently that wasn't haimish enough so this year they made it as confusing, frustrating and complicated as possible.

#1 PRICING
To keep things "simple" there was a short list of available menu items for the chol hamoed event clearly posted (with their prices) on small posters in the area of the kosher booth/sukkot. Unfortunately, the management neglected to take down his standard menu and pricing so it was quite evident that he had drastically raised his already high prices for the occasion. I believe that's called price gouging but at least that was consistant with Six Flag's policy of shaking you down for more cash every time you turn around.

#2 THE SUKKOT
Instead of having one large sukkah like last year they opted for several mid-sized sukkot of various types. This gave the men the pleasure of walking around passeling every sukka except the one in which they were eating.

#3 THE LINES
Unlike last year there was no clear direction as to where to actually order, pay for, buy or pick up the food. It was really hot and my kids were quite hungry. We went to check out the sukkot but there was no food for sale in any of them.
There was a medium sized line outside of the permanent kosher food stand and another shorter line in the back which was rumored to be "for snacks only."
I got into the main line behind a man with a red beard pushing an empty stroller who was proabably about 5 years older than me. In front of him were a group of teenaged girls (of the lipgloss and hoodie sweater variety) and in front of them a group of loud and boisterious teenaged boys. And there I stood for 30 minutes without moving. With only 5 menu items you wouldn't think that was possible which leads me to...

#4 @%&*#$ TEENAGERS!!

It seems that this band of teens were ordering for everyone under the sun. A teenager behind me in line kept yelling at the guys up front about how it wasn't right for them to keep letting other people place their orders through them and making everyone else wait. When their calls went unheeded for ten more minutes they finally gave in and asked them to place their order as well. I was pretty annoyed, especially with the people behind the counter! Couldn't they see what was going on or maybe they didn't care as long as the cash kept rolling in.

#5 THE LINES - CONTINUED
This line jumping was made worse by the fact that "red beard" would not stand anywhere near the teenaged girls in front of him nor would he stand back near me so there was a huge gap all around him allowing people of all sorts to adjust the lines begining or end according to their liking.

And what was this "mystery line" at the back of the booth? Sure it was shorter but no one knew what it was for. Much speculation was made from my linemates: Was it for drinks only? Pickups? Should we lose our places to find out?
Finally I sent Bas-Shifra to check it out and after waiting only 10 minutes to be served she discovered that yes! you could order food there but she had no money or directions so she left the line and we waited another ten minutes and got our lunch. Overpriced and delicious!

THE END

Did I even have to ask?!

2006-10-23T19:59:00.000-04:00

Well looks like "Hot Chanie" is the winning topic.
No surprise there I guess - based on the comments both here and on Orthomom's link to my Six Flags post (which seems to have degenerated into some kind of red shul bash-a-palooza) people seem to have some mighty strong feelings on the subject. My little paragraph even spawned a mini-blog of it's own- when you merely mention a concept and it comes to life without your knowledge it's a little disorienting to say the least.

People seem to have jumped to all kinds of conclusions regarding what I think about Hot Chanies based on my purely observational post. Now that I've had a chance to think about it and read the opinions of others I'm ready to discuss the topic in more depth.
Note the word discuss - not judge- OK Ready?

I certainly have absolutely no objection to Jewish women looking attractive and physically fit.
It drives me crazy when I read that Jewish men are posting things about how no Jewish women are attractive. That's just not true. There are beautiful, attractive women of all religions and nationalities and if none of your own people appeal to you I have a feeling it has nothing to do with looks at all. I appreciate a woman who is not afraid to be herself and doesn't feel a need to hide behind frumpy clothing or dress in the identical blue suit and pageboy sheitel that all her neighbors are wearing while pushing the identical stroller down the sidewalk. Being a frum woman doesn't mean becoming a Stepford Wife and the way a woman dresses allows her to express who she is and what she wants out of life.

Before I go on to discuss the possible motivations of a Hot Chanie let me try to define more carefully exactly who we are talking about here.
I noticed in Orthomom's comment section that one of her readers hit the nail on the head:
"First of all, the Hot Chanie (TM) comment was defined in an environment where such dress didn't seem called for -- as in an amusement park, or taken further, in other "mundane" activities. I don't think the definition applies to how people would dress on shabbos, yom tov, or to a simcha."

There were two things that struck me about the Hot Chanie's I saw at Six Flags, the first was that they were very overdressed for their environment and the second was that they were dressed in a very sexy style while still clearly affiliating themselves with the Yeshivish community/lifestyle.

I grant you that frum women who dress modestly pretty much stand out anywhere they go in the summer. I know *I* do. Skirts, sleeves, and headcoverings are a dead giveaway in 90 degree weather. Add the element of being overdressed and sexy and the Chanie is sure to attract plenty of attention. A woman who is dressed up would certainly not stand out as much at a wedding or a party (or even at shul) where that mode of dress is expected, but when that look is on in full force everywhere a woman goes she has to know that heads will be turning.

As I said in my introduction, the way you dress is a way of expressing yourself - the question is what message are the Chanies trying to convey?

Honestly it's not so surprising that even frum women want to look sexy - it's almost expected of women these days. Even 10 year old girls want to look "hot" - have you SEEN the clothes they are selling in the children's department these days? It's pretty scary.

Based on my experience and discussions with many frum women it would not surprise me to hear that some of these Chanies don't even realise how they appear to men. Despite their apperance they may be quite naive. I'm sure they know they look attractive, stylish, and that they are pushing (agressively) at the borders of their cultural dress code - but the fact that their whole look screams "Take me!" would probably come as quite a surprise to them. While some of these women may be looking for attention it is doubtful that they are looking for extramarital sex and if they knew how their look affected the men around them it would probably give them quite a shock.

What really gets to some people about these Chanies is that they get to live in two worlds - the world of the sleek and stylish (and sexy) and the Yeshiva world.
Women who dress in modest pants, or long skirts with short sleeved shirts, or who live "out of town" can't be in this club, they aren't "frum enough." Their husbands don't wear hats, and their boys don't have payos behind their ears etc, etc...
Yet somehow, because of their sleeve length, these women (who would be tossed out of ANY Bais Yaakov HS for the way they dress) still get to be part of the frummie crowd - what gives?

To those people I ask two questions:
What are you jealous of?
and
Do you really think anyone is being fooled?

Most people who feel this way would absolutely hate the yeshivish lifestyle - for all I know these Chanies may hate it too and this is there way of rebelling against it in which case it's a pretty brave statement! As for having your cake and eating it too what is the "cake" in questions - Living in Brooklyn? Being considered Frummer than your neighbor? Meh, who needs that?

The truly hard core charedim have no tolerance for this kind of envelope pushing and neither do the serious MO's so perhaps within their own niche their style is accepted and who am I or you to begrudge them the acceptance of their peer group.

I think we all know that the interesting part of this post will be the comments section- so get typing!

Choose your own Adventure (sorta)

2006-10-23T09:16:00.000-04:00

This is going to be a busy week for me so I'm going to have to limit my posting even more than usual. I do have a lot of post ideas though (isn't that always the way - when you have time you have no ideas and when you have ideas you have no time!) so I'm going to let you, the readers, vote on my next post topic!

Here are your choices:
A) The second half of the Six Flags Chol Hamoed Post
B) Part seven of the long forgotten online soap opera "The Modern and the Orthodox"
C) More perspective on the "Hot Chanie" issue (which seems to have taken on a life of it's own)
D) An "Ask Shifra question" from the mail bag
E) More feminist/pop-psychology claptrap
F) More tales from my personal life
G) A Shifra & Amram cartoon
(sorry about the F,G mixup earlier - don't work and blog kids.)

List your first and second choices (in that order) in the comments and I will try to get to the top two if at all possible this week.

HAPPY VOTING!

LOL Issues

2006-10-20T10:41:00.000-04:00

I'm working on the second half of my Six Flags/Chol Ha'moed post but now I've got something else on my mind.

My laugh is not office appropriate.

Although the company I work is a bit stodgy my co-workers are a professional but fun (and funny) group. Part of this is because our boss is so moody and quirky that humor is the fastest and easiest was for us to keep each other motivated - but mostly it's just a smart and clever bunch of people who get along really well and have loads of material from right around the office.
I have a very easy laugh and when something strikes me funny I am likely to bust out laughing. As I find my self laughing loudly and often to the whispered jokes and wacky antics of our boss (everyone's favorite is his loud cry of "I'm SOOOO busy!" which is what he says right before he closes his door to make long personal calls which we can all hear through his door) I find myself realizing that I've never cultivated an office appropriate laugh.
Believe me, I've heard worse, my laugh isn't some kind of whinny or snort, just friendly and a bit louder than I'd like at times...

Any advice on how I can it down when jokes catch me off guard?

Chol Ha'moad at Six Flags - part two - section one

2006-10-16T10:09:00.000-04:00

Some of my readers may recall that I had a pretty good time last year at the Six Flags Chol Ha'moad. This year was a lot less fun for a whole lot of reasons. Some of them were merely logistical and not related to Jew-y part of the outing for example:
It was a lot warmer and the sun was unexpectedly strong, it wasn't on a Sunday so there were fewer attractions to see, there were more regular customers there so the lines were longer, and it was late in the year so all the water rides were closed etc...

As expected there were Jews of many stripes there and the Chiluli Hashem managed to cross all sectarian boundaries. I'm pressed for time (and frankly Henry did so well with his Hersey Park post that I don't want to be redundant) so I will dedicate my posts this week to two specific areas - Jewish Fashion and Kosher Food.

This, is the (incredibly shallow) Fashion post.

MEN- I didn't really notice what most of the men were wearing - the yeshivishe look doesn't do much for me and besides, they all look pretty much the same. I did notice many men had a veritable utility belt of communication devices, or hockerwear(TM) as I like to call it. Many of them spent a large portion of their trip on the phone ignoring their children as they climbed all over the railings and mauled the Halloween decorations clearly marked "Do Not Touch." I noticed that most men left their hats in the car (presumably) with the exception of the Chabadniks who were seen running about the park accosting their fellow Jews with the Arbah Minim.

TEENS- The gang of teenagers who showed up for this event were largely a motley crew. Many boys wore no kippa (but plenty of hair gel) or the silky crinkled "from the bar mitzva of" variety. Also popular were T-shirts with rude expressions, flip flops or well worn sneakers and jeans. The girls wore short denim skirts and tight tops, hooded sweatshirts and an abundance of lipgloss and eye glitter. As was the case last year the guys seemed to hang with the guys and the girls with the girls, although they groups kept a close watch on one another.
The more yeshivish girls (who came with their families) wore the traditional black shoes, black tights, black skirt and neat sweater. Yeshivish looking teenaged boys were notably absent.

Kids- The families that brought children were mostly yeshivish. I guess it's only worth the trip from Brooklyn if you are taking more than six kids along for the ride. They were the best dressed kids in the park (or course) and lines for the tot-rides looked like a high end stroller showroom.

Women - Oh... My... God! Why oh why would a woman go to six flags in a sheitle and high heels?! I understand it's chol ha'moed and you don't want to look shlumpy but I saw some women there with more jewelry on than I will own in my lifetime. Do the words ostentatious and inappropriate mean nothing to these people? NO? OK how about mugging?

At the other extreme there were a few older Chasidish women dressed in shapeless velvety bathrobes and slipping snoods revealing what I'll generously refer to as "high foreheads." They shuffled around the place as if it were an extention of their bedrooms occasionally yelling a few words in Yiddish to one of their many children as they zipped to and fro.

There were also a few women who I'll call "Hot Chanies" (also TM.) These women, mothers in their mid-twenties or early thirties who came to the park with boys with payos tucked behind their ears, and little girls in tights and matching jumpers. These women were dressed to kill (think Boro Park meets Bond girl) in full makeup with long, sleek, sexy sheitles, tight sweaters and skirts slit high up the side, and high heeled boots! Bending over to put their kids into the rides they certainly attracted plenty of attention if not wolf whistles. This is a style I've not seen much of before but it didn't seems to phase their husbands who seemed to gaze about blankly while talking on their cell phones (as mentioned above.)

OK this was a shallow post I admit, but fun.
I spent my whole adolescence being "deep." Clearly the ditzy girls were onto something, but I promise not to make it a habit.

Chol Ha Moed Chilluli Hashem

2006-10-13T15:51:00.000-04:00

One of my neighbors - a nice guy/computer geek/sometimes comedy writer- sent me this guest post on his impressions of his trip to Hersey Park over Chol Hamoed.

For reasons unknown to me some people think that being part of the "am ha'nivchar" gives them the right to act like total jerks in public. When too many of those people get together this is what results.
Look for my post next week with remarkably similar impressions from my Chol Ha'Moed trip to Six Flags Great Adventure.

-Shifra

PS My neighbor asked me to assign him a secret identity - please note this post was not written by the REAL Henry Kissinger.

Random Observations from my Chol Hamoed Sukkot trip to Hershey Park

On Tuesday, my family and I went to Hershey Park. We've been there before, most recently this summer, but have never been to one of these special Chol Hamoed trips. (At least not since High school, but things were different then)

Here are some random observations:

1) Stroller etiquette
We got there early (Maybe the 40th car in the lot with about that number of people piling out of each car) and went first to Chocolate World which had a stroller parking lot that was only about 5-10% full. However, these strollers still managed to block the entrance. My wife, who is a stroller expert, noted that they were all fancy European strollers. I guess they come
with the same parking rules as fancy european sports cars.

Later on we had a hard time getting our stroller through the single aisle in the sukkah as it was blocked by other strollers.
Here's a rule of thumb I came up with: If parking your stroller in the middle of the aisle would block someone with an equivalent stroller from getting through, something is wrong.

Some of the strollers were used to carry bags of Brooklyn take out. That's an OK idea, but not as good as...

2) The rolling suitcases

People in the park actually had large suitcases that they were rolling around, presumably filled with food. Strange, but not a bad idea.

3) Theme music

Instead of the usual instrumental music which is not kosher for some reason, the park was playing jewish music (I don't know which performer) Apparently, with 28-30 dollars a pop from thousands of people (not to mention the 3.50 hot dogs, etc..), they were only able to afford one tape played in a loop which got real annoying real fast. Even the Music Express that usually plays pop music, played the same tape. It just wasn't the same.

4) General rudeness and line cutting.

On Monday, the day before our trip, I was driving to work and noticed a minivan behind me full of kids that could have been a family going on a Chol Hamoed trip. "How nice", I thought. A minute later I slowed down a bit to let someone pull in front of me and I got honked. That sort of set the tone of how things went at hershey park.

On all of my outings to amusement parks, I have never seen security called until now. We were towards the front of a somewhat long line for the monorail and there was a family trying to get in through the exit with some story about how they were in line at some point and only some of them left and then this one ran after that one and the other one followed this one and the park is closing soon so it isn't fair that they should have to wait in line again. The poor atttendant kept politely telling them that they can't cut the line but the family refused to budge so she had to call a manager. A few minutes later a security guard showed up. I don't know what happened next because I was distracted by the man with a large tray of food pushing through the line. (He was asked to leave as well).

I also saw a lot of kids on lines who were obviously shorter than the ride allowed. On one particular kiddie ride, the operator kept being inundated by people wanting their under height kid to go on the ride. (The ride was a mini merry go round with no straps. I guess they don't mind if little chezky goes flying) A woman in front of us was complaining to her husband and the operator that there are no rides that her kid can go on. I politely pointed out to her the adjancent ride which allowed kids of that size. She made a face at me. I think she cared more about arguing then her kid.
There are 36 rides in the park that these size kids can go on. How do I know?
a) I looked at the map. I don't think anyone else there bothered.
b) I have a daughter that age. Did she cry when she couldn't go on some of the rides? Yes. Do I want her to be a flying Chezkie? No.

The general level of line cutting was higher than on our summer trip. You get on a presumably short line but then all of a sudden the kid in front of you turns into 12 kids wearing the same exact clothing.

The sad part, besides the obvious chillul hashem, is that none of this suprised me.

5) Mincha
They offered 2 mincha minyans. I showed up 3 minutes early to one and was pulled into a breakaway minyan. I'm not from Brooklyn so I find that slightly amusing.

6) Mix of people
By the kiddie rides, it was predominintly yeshivish people. The roller coaster lines were full of teenagers. Suprisingly few orthodox looking ones though. I wonder why?

All in all though, the rides were the same rides, the chocolate the same chocolate, so we had a great time.

Was anybody else there? Did anybody go to Sesame Place where they had separate fully clothed swimming in the middle of October? (It is in Pennsylvania) I'm sure AskShifra would love to hear about it.

Sincerely,

Henry Kissinger

Six Flags over Sukkot Part 2

2006-10-08T20:30:00.000-04:00

I've noticed that my Six Flags posts from last year have been getting a lot of hits lately.
As you'll see from my post, it's a good deal and a good time especially if you like rollercoasters, hamburgers and ummm... Jews!

I'm lucky enough to have tomorrow off - so there was no weasling out of taking my girls again this year.

If you are planning to be there drop me a line.

-Shifra

Chag Sameach!

2006-10-06T07:56:00.000-04:00

I love Sukkos - it's a great, fun holiday, not to mention my birthday! Unfortunately after Rosh Hashana, two fast days, building the sukkah, cooking, and cleaning (not to mention working full time) I usually find myself completely zonked when it arrives.

At this point my mind is so sponge like (and not in the good way) that I don't know whether to fax someone a roast, or iron the quarterly reports- so I'll just lie low here at the office today working slowly and quietly until I can speed the forty miles home and begin the pre-chag rush.

I can't believe I'll have to do this all again next week too... OK OK I can't think about that right now... sufficed to say that blogging will be light at best until after Simchas Torah.

Wishing you all a good Yom Tov.

-Shifra

Dark Thoughts

2006-09-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Shifra,

What do you and your readers think about a person that dies the very day after Yom Kippur?

-AHM

Dear AHM -
When I was a kid I learned that we say "viduy" (the confession of our sins) before eating our pre-fast meal in case a person should choke and die while eating and not make it to the day of atonement. Since then I've always chewed very slowly and carefully at the seduah hamafseket.

I'm not a judgemental person and I would feel very strange trying to guess at the reason for the time and place of anyone's death. Still, if one had to choose the day one was going to be laid to rest the day after Yom Kippur might not be a bad choice. Hopefully the person used the month of Elul to patch things up with friends and family and get his affairs in order. A peaceful day spent fasting and praying and thinking of Godly things, while surrounded by family, friends and community might be a preferable last day on Earth to one spent making sales calls at the office or cleaning out the garage.

When I was a little girl I used to sit with my father in Shul (yes, another tale of Shifra's father - I guess I'm waxing nostalgic lately) and he used to translate some of the tefilos for me so that I would understand them. He may have introduced me to "Unesaneh Tokef," a poem read on Yom Kippur, a bit young (should a four year old really be subject to tales of strangulation and death by fire? Maybe not) - but it did teach me that no one knows how and when they will die.

While constantly thinking of death may make a person feel depressed and hopeless it can be a positive thing to occasionally remember that we do have a limited time in this world.
As it says in Perki Avot: "The day is short and the work is plentiful."

Questions, comments, wire transfers?
Send them along to Shifraq@gmail.com

A Bloggers' Chat - Headcoverings, Being Normal, Tikkun Olam and Other Stuff

2006-09-26T19:41:00.000-04:00

Today I had the pleasure of having a thought provoking email chat with Psychotoddler, the almost-famous blogger, father, rocker and all around nice guy.

In the hope of provoking yet MORE thought I will post it here- As usual all comments and opinions are welcome.

We'll pick up where things get interesting (I've cut and pasted a little to help make things a bit more clear.)

PT: ...BTW I wear a yarmulke to work. I seriously believe that of all the things I've done on this Earth, that is one of the most important. When I go to the Pearly gates (or whatever), and have to explain why I didn't spend enough time learning, or why I let my kids play video games, or why I didn't do this or that, I'm going to say that I wore a Yarmulke to work in the midwest and that I acted like a mentch and did a kiddush hashem.

Shifra: I'm grew up in the midwest and I know what that means.
My parents still live there and my father wears a kippa to work as well.

When I was kid my father lost his job and after months of looking for work and not finding any he stopped wearing his kippah to interviews at the advice of his recruiter.
When he did get a job he felt odd about putting back on so he left it off at work. A few months later we went to pick him up from his new job and my mom sent me into the office to get him (it was a surprise I guess.) When I saw him with nothing on his head I was stunned (I was about 11 or so at the time.) My father is a Rabbi and a very learned man, he even wears a kippah when he SLEEPS I'd never seen him without it. I didn't say anything but he could see that there were tears in my eyes - it was a real shock for me in a way that I can't explain. After that my father came in to work the next day WITH his kippah on and didn't say a thing about it- he's never gone without it since.
Years later he thanked me for it- even though I really hadn't done anything.

People really underestimate the importance of menchlachkiet - that's not a bad ace in the hole either
:-)

PT: I came from NY and guys wore yarmulkes everywhere when I was growing up. We even wore yarmukles to Midnight showings of Rocky Horror.
So it didn't occur to me to take off my hat when I moved to the midwest. Also, I got a shomer shabbos residency in Milwaukee, so it was part of my "persona" if you will.

However, when I went to interview for permanent positions, it was another story altogether. I got a lot of great offers--over the phone. But I'd show up with my kippah and suddenly there would be no openings. Or they would grill me about shabbos--would I come in even if I wasn't on call, etc.

I thought about taking it off. And then my superstitious side said, "Tell me, big shot, if you can't get a job with Hashem's help, do you think you'll be able to get one without it?" So I just persevered. I eventually found a real mentch of an interviewer who was sympathetic to the Orthodox community and hired me.

But there have been many times when I've thought my life would be simpler, my practice fuller, if I looked like everyone else.

Shifra: It's never simple though - there is always shabbos - the birthday cake you can't eat... whether your head is covered or not it's just not possible to completely fit in - and I think that's intentional.
If you live in a cloistered community where you never have to deal with anyone who is not one of your own it's not big deal but it's not so easy in the "real world."

PT: I think it is very much intentional. You can't go out to eat with them and you can't go drinking with them on Friday nights, and there's much less chance of you dating and marrying one that way. The laws of kashruth are meant to keep us separate.

You're right, frummies in NY have no concept of what it's like in "the real world".

Shifra: This modern integrated societal mix is a relatively new thing even on a global level and America is probably the most diverse cultural community on earth.
Then again Jews have always been the minority (even as they lived seperately in their little shtetlach) within the homogenious cultures that surrounded them...
Hmmm lots to think about. I wonder if I'm only making sense in my own head now...

PT: It's good.

Shifra: How are OJ's really supposed to live? As oddballs in the real world - making kiddushea hashem whenever possible - or in an insulated community free of outside rule and influence?

PT: This is the big debate, no? Sit in learn in Kollel all day or get a job? Live in the real world or stay in Lakewood? Read the Newspaper or stick your head in the ground? You probably can figure out where I stand. I believe we were put here to be a light to the nations, a moral compass, and we can't do that if we cross the street every time we see a goy coming our way. Some people believe that there's nothing to be gained from exposure to the outside world other than corruption. But to me, then, what is the point? Why did hashem make goyim? We're not like the Islamists, trying to convert the world. They belong here as much as we. We have a role. Some say that role is to sit in beis medresh and keep the fires of torah burning. I think that serves only us. Unless you think there's some "mystical" power to the beis medresh. But that's just too hocus-pocus for me.

No, we're here to mingle and yet maintain our special purpose.

Shifra: And yet it's amazing though how the whole concept of "tikkun olam" and "or la'goyim" have become such foreign notions among the Orthodox.

Where are all the normal Orthodox Jews? There can't just be two of us!

PT: Nope, it's just the two of us.
Feel free to write this up as a "joint post"

Shifra: Will do!

PT:Just a word of caution:

The Psychotoddler Crossover post has been known to be the kiss of death to a blog: ask Dr. Bean or A Simple Jew. Hell, I almost killed Treppenwitz.

Shifra: I'll take my chances.

Jewish Debt

2006-09-19T20:25:00.000-04:00

No no, this isn't some sort of metaphorical post about what the Jewish people owe to society or what society owes to the Jews. It's about the cost of being frum - and it IS expensive.

Today I was emailing with another blogger who said something like "Wouldn't it be great if there was a blog where frum people could anonymously talk about their financial problems? I don't think I look that different than any other man in shul but I'm up to my eyeballs in debt while everyone else seems to be doing just fine!" (OK I added the bit about the eyeballs but the rest is kinda, almost accurate.)

Well how about here? In the comments section?
You can use your real fake name, or make up a new even faker fake name!

I'll go first even though some of you know who I am.

I work full time, my husband works full time.
We live modestly, in a small house in an expensive town.
We have two children in Yeshiva day school.
We make too much money to recieve a scholarship but not enough to pay tution without skimping on most everything else.
We are in at least some credit card debt about 50% of the time.
We have no "help" around the house.
I iron all my husband's shirts myself and get my hair cut at supercuts 3-4 times a year.
We eat out (someplace cheap- pizza or similar) about twice a month.
I spend a fortune in groceries.
Our vacations consist of day trips and visiting relatives.
We have almost no savings.
I don't buy lottery tickets.
I have no plans to retire um... ever...
But I'm OK. Things are stable and we have everything we need and even a few extras like guitar lessons for Bas-Shifra, cell phones and a cable modem.

OK, now you.

And now for something completely different!

2006-09-14T09:08:00.000-04:00

When my daughter Chavi Kaufman was in Pre-K she came home and told me that a "first grader boy" told her to show him her underpants on the playground so she did.

"Why did you do that?" I asked, explaining once again that underpants (and other things) are private and not to be shown even to people who ask unless they are a parent or a doctor.

"...but he DARED me, so I had to!" she replied.

That led to good conversations about dares, and how dares are just a way for someone to try and pressure you to do what they want you to do by making you feel bad for denying them.

All that good parenting aside, however, sometime I myself can't resist a little baiting especially when it's as funny as this email I received last night:

Are you very smart? why do people ask u? i challage you to respond
-AAA BBB

Dear AAA BBB,

Ooooh a "challage!"
Is that some kind of arts and crafts made of leftover bread?

I don't know if I'm very smart - smart enough I guess.
Why do people ask me? It's a good question maybe because my blog is a good place for practical no- nonsense advice from both me and my crack staff of commentors. Plus it's a free service so what does anyone have to lose by sending in questions?

To you, AAA BBB, my advice is:
1) get a new email address and screen name, they are both ridiculous, lazy, and hard to remember I bet!
2) Stay in school, you clearly have a long way to go.

-Shifra

Questions? Comments? Challages?
Send 'em along to shifraQ at gmail dot com

From the files of Shifra

2006-09-13T20:53:00.000-04:00

As promised I did some digging around and I did find my notes on the book I'd started to write.

It's in one of those bound composition books and I actually pasted my "list of 50" into the front cover!
In the notebook itself I've furiously written (with no editing whatsoever) about 5-7 essays of varying completeness and length and a bunch of ideas for other essays. It's almost a diary really - I see that a lot of what I wrote, I wrote to and for myself.

I also forgot that I'd given the book a working title which is much too lame to publish here. The writing style is a little "Dr. Phil" for my tastes these days. It sounds like I was doing an uncomfortable impersonation a therapist.
Nowadays however, thanks to my blog, I am QUITE comfortable impersonating a therapist so I intend to fix that.

My writing only made it about 1/4 of the way through the notebook but toward the end I wrote what I guess was meant to be my introduction (although it seems to start in the middle of another broader essay) but I'll post it here anyway.

In addition to posting on my old ideas and notes I'd also like to spend an equal about of time fighting sterotypes, flawed logic, dangerous assumptions, and unequal treatment of women from a frum perspective.
Please send alongs any links to small minded, stereotype-y, anti-female, charedi propaganda (or apologetic, weak, equally offensive pro-female MO propaganda if you swing that way) here to shifraq at gmail dot com and I will give it the karate chop head it deserves here on the blog.

So without further ado, an introduction circa 2002 edited in 2006:
(Although all my essays were originally written for women I think that some of the things can definitely be true for men as well - or can help men to understand women better.)

As frum women we are taught to fight ourselves at every turn, deny our instincts, and conform. Many of us live in a tight knit community, like specimens under glass, our private and public life being one in the same. We often worry and care more about what other people might think of us than what we think about ourselves. Worse yet, all this denial and fear leave us no room for us to consider what we really want out of life. These essays are for strong, brave women, or for women who want to be strong and brave but are too afraid - afraid to change, afraid to feel, afraid to be themselves. As I write (both in 2002 and today) I am on the same journey. Each essay beings with questions I have as I learn, or discover really, some truths about life or about myself or develop some tools to help me get to where I want to be. A place where I am happy, relaxed and purposeful. A place where I am free to be myself whoever that may be.

Is it possible to be a frum woman and be true to yourself?
I think it is. Let's find out.

Life Before Blogging

2006-09-12T09:38:00.000-04:00

Life Before Blogging

This time of year has always been one of self-assessment for me. With both Rosh Hashana and my birthday right around the corner I can't help but take stock of my life and try to strategize about how to make the coming year a better one. I call it my "Jew Year's Resolutions."

One of the smartest things I ever did (at the recommendation of a dear friend and former teacher) was to write a list of fifty things I want for myself. The directions were pretty ambiguous - it could things I want to accomplish, material things, personal development, experiences I want to have - nothing could be too big or too small but they had to be about me. I really didn't think I would be able to come up with 50 things but in time I did. Days later I handed the list back to this teacher he took it and without reading it tore it up.

"Do it again!" he said smiling.

I was pretty surprised at his reaction, but I did do it again - from memory - it was much easier the second time around but I was pretty sure the list had changed - some things had dropped away (mostly the filler ideas I used to make the full fifty) while others became more prominently featured and detailed on this list.

When I called the teacher to let him know I had rewritten the list and liked it even better than the original list he said "Great! Let's make it even better!"

So I ripped that one up too and did it again.

My third list was the truth, what I really wanted out of life. My teacher never asked to see that list. In fact no one has ever seen it.
These days I rarely look at that list but an amazing thing has happened since I wrote that list six years ago... Whether consciously or unconsciously I've been continuously chipping away at that list. I'll have to dig it up and see for certain but I'd wager that I'm already more than half way through it and considering writing a second round of fifty. I thought this list would take me my whole life to get through but I see now that setting goals is what leads to accomplishing them.

One of my goals was to write a book supporting Orthodox Jewish women.
In my experience I've found that frum women make life so much harder on themselves than they need to, all the while keeping their suffering silent and I think...I hope... I may have something to offer to my peers based on my own experiences and the experiences others have shared with me over the years. Yes I'm well aware that frum men suffer unduly as well - maybe I can get some guest posters to help me out there- I already have ideas in mind.

ANYWAY, I actually did start writing this book shortly after I wrote that list of 50, but I lost confidence - or I ran out of steam.... Now, I realize that putting these ideas out in an open forum like a blog is even better!
In fact it's something I've been doing here and there at Ask Shifra for a while now without even realizing it and I think it's time to kick it up a notch.

I hope to start posting some of the essays that I've written in the past and penning some new ones as well. I look forward to sharing and developing my ideas about what it means to be a Frum woman in today's world with all my readers male and female alike and as always I look forward to your comments.

-Shifra

LOST CAT (sad owner)

2006-09-04T17:48:00.000-04:00

UPDATE!!!
My cat is BACK!
Unscathed and remarkably clean she showed up meowing at the door this morning.
All is well and happy.

-Gut Voch

Yeah yeah, I'm frum AND I have a cat.
Well I USED to have a cat.

While I was away for the weekend she got out for the first time ever. She's been missing since Shabbos morning and it's not looking good.

Very sad and it's especially hard to send your kids off to their first day of school with a lost cat on their minds :-(

The Man who Mistook his Meatball Sandwich for a Heart Attack

2006-08-30T21:01:00.000-04:00

I'm twice blessed.

First that I have a sweet husband and second that he doesn't read my blog.
So here a story about his adventures but let's just keep it between us OK?

Last night my husband came home from work quite late at night and starving. He headed straight for the fridge and was happy to find a big pot of delicious sweet and sour meatballs I had made for Shabbos. I had planned to serve 1/2 as an appetizer Friday night and freeze the rest but I forgot about the freezing and left the remainder in the fridge.
My happy husband dumped the pot into a glass bowl microwaved the lot and ate it on thick slices of challah. When I came downstairs he was munching away happily cheeks as full as a squirrel's in the fall.

About two hours later as I was falling asleep my husband came upstairs to tell me he didn't feel so great and was going to stay up for a little while. Half and hour later he was back upstairs asking me what the symptoms are for a heart attack. I told him to take some tums, which he did. Then he went to Web MD and started self diagnosing - which is always fun, especially for hypochondriacs. By this time he was feeling a lot worse and was bordering on a panic attack.
His arm was numb he was having chest pains he was starting to freak out so he went off to the ER. I agreed it was better to be safe than sorry and normally I would have told him to go much earlier but that empty meatball pot was a serious clue to solving this medical mystery.

He was poked and proded, Xray-ed, IVed, measured and tested. He had his blood drawn twice (the doctor didn't like the first result) but eventually they let him go.
It was a little tricky explaining my absence at work today- meatball overdose? Acute hypochondria? but hopefully it will be OK. I'm just glad my husband is feeling better and next time I'll remember to put the leftovers in the freezer.

Advice to Missionaries

2006-08-25T09:23:00.000-04:00

Now that my daughter (Bas-Shifra) is eleven I allow her to bike around the neighborhood with her friends. We always coordinate a time that she needs to be home and my husband and I recently purchased a pre-paid cellphone which we allow our kids to take with them when they are out alone or with friends. I find it very sad that kids have so little freedom today so I try to let her have her independence in small ways when I can (I know I rode my bike ALL over the place all day as a kid and my parents were QUITE overprotective.)

When my daughter and her friend returned to our house yesterday afternoon after a bike ride I noticed her friend had a "Why Islam" pamphlet in the basket of her bike. When I asked her about it a whole story came flooding out of both girls at once.

"There was this weird man..."
"He was wearing a white dress!"
"and he said hi to us so we didn't want to be rude"
"He asked us if we thought about why we were here in this world"
"and he kept talking about the afterlife"
"it was CREEPY!"
"and he gave us these pamphlets but Bas-Shifra threw hers in the trash right away!"
"He really freaked us out."
"He was just handing things out to people but when he saw us he started that whole conversation."

I was really upset.
If you want to missionize on the street that's bad enough but do NOT approach CHILDREN.

In a very uncharacteristic move I called the police. We live in a small town, I thought they should know. Bas-Shifra of course was SO embarrassed.
Apparently unless the man was "being inappropriate" he's within his rights to preach to children on the street.

Both the policeman and I reminded Bas-Shifra that she is not required to be "polite" to strangers who want to talk to her on the street and should just keep on moving when called to by someone she does know.

My daughter and I talked about it later - she apparently thought he was Jewish since he had set himself up outside a kosher eatery on the main street and had his head covered. "I didn't know he was another RELIGION" she said "he just seemed weird." When I explained to her about how missionaries operate she said "Wow, he was pretty subtle I had no idea I was being converted!" I almost laughed then, but honestly this whole thing has me a bit freaked out.

SPLOGS! (a blogging on blogging post)

2006-08-23T15:47:00.000-04:00

I love science and technology.
I'm facinated by all things new and cool.
I am easily distracted by shiny objects.
I subscribe to Wired Magazine and read it cover to cover.

This month's issue had a extensive story on blogs which are really just spam in disguise.
These "splogs" account for more than 50% of known blogs which often started out as legitmate blogs that were abandoned by their owners (snif!) and hijacked by these sploggers.

All those spammy ads we get as comments help to create yet another "link" in the twisted chain of fake blogs designed to sell a product or simply deceive google ads out of a few bucks.

While the article from this issue of Wired is not yet available online, here is one with some useful tips to help you to avoid being splogged.

Guess who's guest posting at Dov Bear?

2006-08-19T21:30:00.000-04:00

Go on! Guess!

Questions I've been avoiding Part 2

2006-08-16T09:37:00.000-04:00

It's a little known fact that only about one out of every ten "Ask Shifra" questions I receive at shifraq@gmail.com get answered here on the blog.

There is a method to my madness:
Most often the question's author asks me to not answer the question online because it is too personal, too revealing, or because I already know who they are (at least online.)

The second most common reason is that I don't feel equipped to answer the question. I do respond to all my non-spam email (eventually) but some topics are just over my head.

Gerus (or conversion to Judaism) is one of those topics. I get a lot of questions on that topic but I consider it out of my depth. It is difficult for me to get my mind around the idea of leaving everything you know and immersing yourself into a totally foreign lifestyle. It's difficult for me to give advice because my instinct is always to tell the writer NOT to do it - and that might be pretty hard to hear once a person has made a decision that this is what he/she really wants to do and is just looking for some support.

Another question I can't answer is "Should I break up with my girlfriend/boyfriend?"
As detailed as your email might be there are two sides to every story - I don't know you and I don't know your significant other so it's really impossible for me to assess the situation fairly. That said, if you are already at the point of asking a stranger over the internet if you should break up with someone you know intimately the answer is probably yes.

Beauty tips are also not my area of expertise - no, I don't know if a buzz cut would look good on you but odds are the answer is "no" and also "are you for real?"

Oh and for the last time I will NOT be answering questions about the halachik implications of wanking. Email Gil or something. I'm not a Rav or a posek or priest who takes confession, or a 900 number.

Last are the kind of questions that are not really questions at all - just sad stories.
But if you need someone to listen that's something I can do too... Sometimes it's good to get things out in writing. It allows you to look at your life from a new angle or to release some of what you've been feeling in a constructive way.

Well now you've had a behind the scenes peek at what it's like to be "ask shifra" but don't let that stop you from sending in your questions, whether I can answer them "online" or not it's my pleasure to help out where I can.

More from Chavi Kaufman

2006-08-15T10:55:00.000-04:00

My daughter (affectionately known here on the blog as Chavi Kaufman) is at it again!

We were playing a game together on Shabbos when she devised a strategy that put her way ahead of me and very close to winning the game.
"WELL!" said Chavi "That worked like a clam!"
I looked at her questioningly...Like a clam?... Like... a... clam...OH!
"Don't you mean it worked like a charm?" I finally asked
"No." said Chavi "You must be thinking of some other expression."

The Case of the Lazy Gardner

2006-08-14T08:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Shifra -

Here's a question that has been bothering my family for a while...

We use a certain gardener to take care of our yardwork. He isn't that great a gardener, and our yard barely looks passable. We pay him, because he really, REALLY needs the money.

Unfortunately, he does the bare minimum for our yard, doesn't know the meaning of grass seed, and our yard has had better days.

So it's basically, a tzedakka issue.

So what's the problem? We really want to switch to ANOTHER gardener, who happens to be an amazing landscaper. A real green-thumb pro, who would get our yard looking amazing in no time. And they also need the money...and they are ALSO friends of ours.

Problem is -- how can we dump the first gardener and switch to the other one?
I'm not even sure it's halachikally permissible, but we would so much want a nicer lawn and pay our friends to keep our yard looking nice.

Thanks for listening,

Yard which is less than green

Dear YWILTG,

Ooooh good question!
First let me lay out my usual disclaimer - I am not a halachik authority and I am not offering any kind of p'sak on this issue blah, blah, blah....

I've re-read your question half a dozen times searching for clues that might help me resolve your problem. It seems that your gardener is not a "gardener" at all - if your lawn looks terrible and he has not heard of grass seed, clearly this person is either unwilling or unable to perform his job.
It makes me wonder if this person also thinks of your payment as charity rather than payment for services rendered.
Have you tried telling him what you expect? Obviously it is not your job to teach him how to be a gardener but telling him that you expect him to mow/water the lawn or plant grass seed (which you can provide if he cannot afford it on what you pay him), or whatever else it is that you want him to do might help you to both get what you want.

If you have already tried this and find that he is hopeless as gardener or does not care enough to put in the effort required I think you are within your rights to let him go - you are paying him in return for a service which he is not providing, and not even ATTEMPTING to provide. If you wish to keep sending him checks just to be charitable go ahead - it's pretty much what you are doing now anyway. Once you make that decision it's up to you and your budget as to whether you want to hire the other gardener.

It's going to be a bit painful one way or the other for sure but as long as you give the original gardener a chance to improve I think you've been fair enough.

Good Luck!

Let me know how it turns out.

-Shifra

A Sucker for Cleverness

2006-08-12T23:07:00.000-04:00

I'm a sucker for all things clever.
Maybe that's why I'm such a fan of this band.

Check out what my boys at OK GO have been up to, and turn up the volume!!

Fanning an Old Flame

2006-08-08T15:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Ask Shifra -

A few weeks ago, I ran into my old girlfriend.
We've bumped into each other a few times over the years, but for some reason this last encounter made me wonder if she ever thinks about our past. The truth is I do think about her from time to time. We didn't break up on bad terms but drifted apart due to the circumstances of our lives when we were younger.
All these years later I'm happily married with children and thank G-d for giving me so many of life's blessings. She is also happily married to a very nice, good person who treats her very well. But I know I never fully got over her and now ever since we met last have been thinking if I am the only one who you have ever heard from who saves a piece of their heart for an old flame.
I am also really curious if my old girlfriend feels the same way and I have considered asking her.

What do you and your readers think I should do?
Also, do you know if women have these same concerns and would a woman who
found out her old boyfriend has very fond memories of their
relationship be pleased to learn this, especially if she knew her old
boyfriend understands that it is impossible to become a part of her
life again and impossible to pursue those feelings?

Very Curious

Dear Curious,

Please, call me Shifra. I think there are a lot of people who still have a bit of feeling for an old love tucked in the corner of their heart somewhere but the important thing to realise here is that this love is just a memory and not your current reality. Whoever you were, or she was, or the two you you were together no longer exists. What you are feeling are really just phantom feelings. Attachment to something that is no longer a part of you.

As for discussing your feelings with your ex I can't imagine it would do any good for either of you.

Here are some of the possible outcomes to that conversation and why they would be a wretched mistake.

Ready?

Outcome #1 - She loves you and always has.
Problem: You are both pretty happily married with kids and debt and all that - but this is LOVE we're talking about! So what will you do?! Leave your families? Have an affair? Torture yourself with thoughts of what could have been? It's headtrip central!

Outcome #2 - She thinks you are insane or reacts to you as if you are. Your question (as benign as you make it sound) totally freaks her out. She tells her husband or your wife. She avoids you forever. This all could happen regardless of her true feelings for you.

Result: Embaressment and general weirdness for all eternity - HEADTRIP!

Outcome #3 - She thinks it's "sweet."
Ok so what does that mean? Is she being patronizing? Does she love you back? Can you ask her more questions? Will that lead to outcome #1 or #2? See Above (hint: headtrip, headtrip!)

Outcome #4 - She doesn't have any feeling for you. You phrase your question just right so that she can answer truthfully with no fear or pressure. But no, there is nothing there, sorry Charlie. Then you feel depressed because you had that little spark in your mind this whole time and it was just imaginary. Why did you need to ask her, now you just feel stupid. Waaaa!

So as you can see, no good can come of this.

Now as for how the woman would feel about knowing her old flame still has feelings for her:

As a married woman who has been in that situation I can honestly tell you that "Some things are better left unsaid." (Quick! Name that song- Elie? Mirty?)
I don't think most women would mind knowing that you still think well of them, or that you fondly remember your relationship, but knowing you are still pining for them on some level could be easily construed as either sad or creepy.

Running into someone from your past can churn up a lot of old feelings but once you settle back into your life and regain your perspective you will realise that this is something that is really that cannot be persued because what you miss is long gone. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh because I know that old feelings run very deep but until they mellow out a bit I'd strongly advise you not to react to them.

-Shifra

Anderson Cooper 24/7

2006-08-02T16:02:00.000-04:00

Like many of you thoughts of the war in Lebanon/Israel have been on my mind constantly these past weeks.

Since Jameel needs to sleep at least a few hours a night I've been watching a lot of CNN in the evenings. Based on my limited viewing (I'm normally not much of a news junkie) it seems like Anderson Cooper is the only anchorman they have - excluding Larry King of course but he creeps me out - can't they give that man a gold watch and send him home already? ICK.

Anyway back to Anderson Cooper - He reminds me of a man I used to work with who was a former US Navy officer (but unlike Cooper he was called up at the start of the war in Iraq and is still deployed as far as I know.) I'm suspicious of A.C. - he's kind of handsome in a decidedly cultivated sort of way and semi-intelligent but not in a way that would make anyone else feel bad about themselves. He occasionally reminds me of a robot of some kind. If the world suddenly discovered he was an android prototype I was not be surprised.

He's been hosting his show Anderson Cooper 360 live on location from the Israeli/Lebanese border and as with all live, on-location, overly long news programs (I wanted to write programmes - does that look snooty?) he repeats himself and others A LOT.

The other day on his programme (I think it looks good, sorry) one of the other journalists he was speaking to via satellite wondered if one of the two sides might be "extending the fig leaf" any time soon.

Extending the FIG LEAF?!?!

Talk about a mixed metaphor. As I was thinking about how that modified expression sounded like the punch line to a dirty joke I heard ol' Anderson repeat the phrase back in his response (I'm paraphrasing of course) "no, it doesn't seem like anyone will be ready extend the fig leaf just yet..." Hilarious!

When I heard it the third time (repeated once again by the other off camera journalist) I was yelling at the TV like an drunk Irish soccer fan "the OLIVE branch!!! the OLIVE branch!! What's WRONG with you people!!"

At the fourth repetition I turned the TV off.

OK that was a little bit of an unstructured looney post but I hope SOMEONE out there will appreciate it. Maybe Wolf Blitzer or George Stephanopolis?

Wishing you all a meaningful fast, it is my sincere hope that we do not add even one more incident or accident to the list of Tisha B'Av tragedies this year.
Keep your helmet on Anderson Cooper - where ever you are.

Shifra meets Corporate America

2006-07-28T22:23:00.000-04:00

Note: Love clicking your mouse? Then this is the post for you.
I tried embedding all the photos into the text but they were all funny sizes and types - blogger is not too helpful as a photo editor and I have a lot of work to do today. Anyhoo happy clicking!

Many of you dear readers and friends have e-mailed inquiring about my new job.
I like it. For work it's not bad at all.
This is my first time working in a really "corporate" environment so I've been suffering from a bit of culture shock.

For example:
My former "casual Friday" shoes (PT: BizCasFri!)
My current Friday shoes

My work headwear then (note that is not ACTUALLY me)
My work headwear now (nope, that's not me either)

My office chair then ($49.40 and worth every cent)
My office chair now ($800! Comes with it's own video on how to adjust it!)

I've got plenty of this, none of this, and a full hour of this.

My paycheck then = X (you didn't really think I'd tell you my salary right?)
My paycheck now = X+ 10%
Minus gas money = X+5%
Minus this years Yeshiva Tutition = Bad News

Some things of course are still the same:

My car (Only a lot more scraped and dented)
My boss's car

Good Shabbos to all!

-Shifra

Only Simchas VS The National Enquirer

2006-07-27T13:55:00.000-04:00

I used to love to poke fun at the things I saw on Only Simchas then I felt guilty about it and repented.

I couldn't resist this one though it's a miracle!

Trief-est Company Picnic Ever!

2006-07-20T08:44:00.000-04:00

Today is the company picnic at my new job.

It started a few minutes minutes ago, but I'm in no hurry.
Here's the menu and maybe also the reason:

BBQ pork ribs, BBQ chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers and cheese burgers, peel and eat shrimp, clams, etc... etc... etc...

It's scheduled from 11:30 to 2:30 and families are invited - yet work resumes immediately afterwords which is kind of a dirty trick if you ask me.
My kids are in camp, and my husband is working and even if they were free would they want to drive two hours for a two hour party where you can't eat anything?
I wouldn't- I can barely get myself down the stairs.
Did I mention I hate parties? I do.

OK yay for the company picnic.
I'll let you know how it went.

UPDATE!
Ok it wasn't so bad, there was a very, very bad DJ so I didn't feel bad about listening to music I didn't enjoy, and I found someone to sit and chat with so that was nice PLUS I forgot about the saving grace of nearly every summer outing/event... Kosher ice cream!

This is soooo not worth blogging about - I just wanted you to know that I knew that ;-)

RAL VS Nick Hornby

2006-07-18T08:40:00.000-04:00

I love to read - it's one of my genuine pleasures in life and something I wish I had more time to do. For me reading is like dating. Sometimes I find myself surrounded by books, with no time to read them, other times I've got plenty of time and nothing to read.

Usually I have a few books lying around waiting for me but this Shabbos I had NOTHING. No library books, no loaners from friends, not even any magazines...nothing. So eventually my husband caught me re-reading "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby for about the 6th time (that HE knows of.) I love that book (and most by others by Hornby) and I think I may have a bit of a crush on the main character (who can resist a depressed Englishman with a massive record collection?!) Being a good husband, and fearful that my brain would turn to rot he quickly offered to find me something else that I had not read before.

A minute later he returned with a copy of Rav A. Lichtenstien's "Leaves of Faith" (which I know for a fact he has not read although he bought it with the best of intentions at this year's YU sefarim sale.) Even the introduction was a hard read. That man has no mercy on his readership. I just felt stupid. I felt like a fourth [edited thanks P] grader reading the Wall Street Journal. Sure I could do it but it was so arduous that it just didn't feel like it was worth the effort.

I understood what I did read but after 4 pages I was tired.
"High fidelity" wins again. Sorry Rav Lichtenstien.

Getting Naked

2006-07-14T08:28:00.000-04:00

Heh - got your attention with that one eh?

There has been a bit of banter in the comments of my "Supercuts" post about modesty.
Unfortunately there was also bit of really ugly name calling involved so I couldn't post them all (sorry I have my standards.)

While I feel that what goes on at the mikvah is a very private matter and one I'm reticent to discuss in such a public forum I'd like to set the record straight about what goes on a woman's mivka (ritual bath) as it seems that many men (and perhaps some women as well) have some gross misconceptions about what goes on there.

1) There are no men ANYWHERE on site.
Zero. Ziltch. None. No Rabbis, no yeshiva boys at the windows, no spouses in the waiting room. I even get annoyed when I see husbands waiting in their cars at the back of the parking lot or down the block, but that's as close as they are ever going to get during women's mikva hours. EVER.

2) Women are treated with privacy and respect.
While women may have to wait in a communal waiting room for a bit when they first arrive this is the only time you will be together with other women. Each woman is given a turn in a private room to prepare herself. The doors lock. No one comes in unless YOU tell them to.
In fact, the mikvah attendant is very careful to only allow one women at a time in and out of the corridor to and from the mivkah so that women will not see each other passing by.
When it is a woman's turn to walk down the short corridor to the mikvah she is dressed in a long robe and slippers (usually provided by the mikva) she can even cover her hair with a towel if it makes her feel more at ease.

3) The mikvah attendant's review is quite limited and often optional.
I have been to about ten or mikvahs all around the country. Some were quite modern, while other were a bit decrepit. Some were in modern orthodox areas which others were Charedi owned and operated, some were in tiny jewish communities and others in large metropolitan areas. I do not claim to have attended every mikvah on earth but my experiences have been both diverse and random. While each has it's own set of customs and practices I have never been asked to remove my robe while standing in front of the Mikvah attendant. Her job is to help you, not search you. I've had much more degrading experiences being searched at the airport than I have at the mikvah and in fact at many mikvahs you can ask not to be checked at all (just try THAT at JFK!)
Generally the attendant will check your hands and feet (while you are fully robed) and perhaps ask you a few questions about your preparation. Sometimes she will offer to check the back of your neck (or upper back) for any hairs that may have come loose during brushing.
AND THAT IS IT.
The woman will avert her eyes (often holding something up over her to block her view) as the woman enters the mikvah. When you tell her you are ready she looks down from above only to check that you have fully immersed in the water. It is pretty difficult to tell if every strand of hair has been submerged on your own, and frankly I don't think it's safe to walk barefoot down slippery marble stairs into a deep pool of water on your own with no one else around.
As you come out the woman will once again avert her eyes and allow you to put on your robe again before looking at you.
After that, you take the short (private) walk back to your dressing room and immerge fully dressed.

That's it.
Really.

Now I'm sure that even the process I just described may sound pretty harrowing to the uninitiated, but I assure you it's a heck of a lot better than what some of you have been thinking (and/or posting) about what goes on there.

If you have any additional questions about the mivkah feel free to email me privately at Shifraq@gmail.com. Comments on this post will be heavily monitored.

I'm Tired

2006-07-13T08:52:00.000-04:00

I'm tired.
I'm really tired.

I don't like fasting.
I need coffee to be a productive member of society.

Today is a good day to reflect on a large number of events both current and historical as they relate to Israel and the Jewish people and I know that fasting is supposed to engender just that sort of thinking... but it's really hard to think when your head feels like it's stuffed with cotton.

I'm really going to have to start cutting back on the caffiene as I'm starting to really dislike who I am without it!

*Blink... Blink....Yawn*

Have an easy fast to those who are fasting, and my condolences to the caffiene addicts - especially everyone's favorite Rebbitzen.